Do what you want. Be who you are.

I'm a firm believer in doing what I want. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. If you don't believe me, just ask my parents what I was like as a kid. Maybe some people call it stubborn? I've just always known what I wanted and how to ask for it. 

I remember when Matt was still on his mission, this girl came over to see to my roommate and I sat down to be polite and socialize with them for a bit. She asked about my missionary, then proceeded to tell me that it would never work out and that no one ever ends up marrying their missionaries and that I should just give up now. Ten minutes after meeting me. That conversation made me so mad and baffled that all I could do was politely excuse myself and go silently rage in my room. 

After an experience like that, you might expect a normal person to rethink their decision and maybe doubt their resolve. Somehow, criticism and doubt aimed at my choices only ends up making me want to follow through with 10x more enthusiasm. If someone tells me I can't do something, I just end up doing it anyway to show them it can be done. 

Maybe someone should tell me I can't lose 50 pounds and be a millionaire. Maybe it would work.

What I'm trying to say is, if you tell me not to do something, watch out, because it will give me the fiery passion of a thousand dragons' flames. And I will prove you wrong.

If you're prone to being a people pleaser (to your own detriment), I challenge you to start politely, yet unapologetically doing what you want. It's amazingly liberating.

BTW, I'm trying to take this theory even further with a new mantra, "Be who you are." I'm trying to stop feeling guilty for being an introvert/homebody/indoor cat. Because the world needs people who are true to themselves. 

A Sunday Quote

Today's Sunday Quote comes straight to you from Les Miserables. I cried maybe eight times during that movie, even more than the pregnant lady next to me. If you haven't already noticed, I tend to be a little sappy about the media I consume. I'm always looking for something to learn or take away from it. My favorite aspect of the whole Les Mis idea is that JVJ was shown mercy, and in turn showed mercy to so many people in his life because one person saw past his outward image. The priest created this ripple effect that hit others he never even met, in ways he could probably never fully comprehend. Love goes a long way. 

What was your favorite part?

Waking Up In Vegas

We are back from California! It was so good to be home and spend time with my family. The girls got manicures and (much-needed) haircuts, my dad took the men on a "man day" (who even knows what they did) and we watched lots of movies and ate lots of food with lots of people. And we had FOUR Christmases! 

On our way back, we picked up some friends and spent the night in Vegas! The last time I was in Vegas, I was eight and my grandma took us to Excalibur. I don't remember anything about that trip, so all my ideas about Vegas have come from movies like 21 and  Ocean's 11, 12 and 13.

This time, in real life, we spent some Christmas money on a nice meal and walked through the Venetian and saw the water show outside of the Bellagio. 

The whole time we were walking around town, I just kept thinking about how many casino heists and card-counting scams were most likely secretly happening all around us. All the moguls making huge business deals in elite penthouse suites, and me wearing my husband's huge sweatshirt to keep from freezing. Something about Vegas makes me nervous, because I am not a Vegas person. I don't enjoy anything that people who go to Vegas like to do. I felt pretty out of my element based on all the things I've seen in movies about Vegas (luxury, danger, sex, and partying, all done by George Clooneys and Julia Roberts' with lots of swagger). 

Have you actually walked around the strip and looked at the people walking around?  They aren't sexy. They don't look like moguls. In fact, they look just like ordinary people! The only people who looked sexy were the girls on the corner dressed up like flamingos who got paid $10 a pop to take pictures with people and promote their hotel. Even they looked like they were freezing and not having a good time. I'd rather be warm in a big sweatshirt than freezing in a flamingo costume. 

And that, my friends, is why I should trust real life instead of all those movies I watch. 

PS: My favorite things about Christmas was that it was our first year together as newlyweds. The last two Christmases were spent pining instead of fully celebrating. On Christmas Eve, after everyone went to bed, we stayed up playing Wii and Pinning (respectively) and watched the First Presidency Christmas Devotional together. It was a great way to start Christmas and reminded me why we celebrate this holiday longer than any other holiday. What better reason than Christ? 

The Princess and the Pea

When I was little, my mom called me the princess and the pea because I was picky. What can I say, I liked things exactly how I liked them! I distinctly remember picking out three or four outfits every day after seeing the one she picked out for me, because I wouldn't know what I wanted until I saw it. I wouldn't wear wool or things with tags on them because they made me itchy. Etc, etc.

Fast forward 20 years, and my husband is probably starting to feel how my mom felt when I was growing up. Although I grew out of the 3-4 outfits routine, I have to have the bed sheets a certain way to be able to sleep. I'm a picky eater. I made him look at a few more apartments than he would have liked because I needed to feel that spark with an apartment before we could sign a lease. Etc, etc.

I don't know what made me this way, but I guess by now, it is what it is. 

Waiting

Today's lesson in Relief Society was about waiting on the Lord. We talked about having patience and faith in the Lord's timing while hoping so desperately for a specific thing to happen in our lives. The whole hour, I wanted so badly to raise my hand and comment about my most recent experience with waiting; to stand up tall and pontificate about the wonderfulness and the despair that comes with waiting. I wanted people to see that I had a trial that was very hard for me, and I feel like I learned to endure it with faith and grace. After all, my trial was literally to wait. In waiting for a missionary, I put on hold a temple marriage, children, and a more comfortable life (because he has yet to start college). I'm a pro at waiting! I was the perfect example of waiting! So why did the Spirit stop me from raising my hand and sharing my story?

I don't really know. But I have a guess.

Because my story of waiting, no matter hard it was for me, was not that hard.

Standing up and sharing my story of literally waiting for a missionary while others are quietly waiting for children to bless their homes, or enduring life after their spouse died, or surviving cancer, or waiting for a wayward child to return to the Gospel, seems trivial. I waited for my blessing for two years, but others wait lifetimes for theirs. 

Yes, I waited in a literal sense, and I used the Lord to get me through it. I had faith that I was doing the right thing, and I turned to God in times of doubt and weakness to lift me up. I waited on the Lord. But there are other, more significant ways to wait on Him. And supposing that my trial trumps all the other ones in the room is not fair. 

So I formulated what I would say if I were to stand up and give a speech, and then I listened to others tell their stories. 

I learned so much more by listening than by speaking.

On Being A Champion of Truth

I once had a friend tell me that I was her "truest friend". I had never had anyone describe me like that before, and it has stuck with me for almost a year now. I was pretty flattered. What does it mean to be a true friend? I think back to that relationship with said friend, and I think being a true friend to her meant sharing vulnerabilities, being there for each other through amazing and horrific times, having a massive falling out and reconciling, and being honest with her when it was more convenient to be fake.

I pride myself in being an honest person. Sometimes I'm so honest people can't handle it. I say what I think no matter what (most of the time). If I'm not telling you the absolute truth, that's a sure sign that I don't respect you enough to care about being honest with you. If you hear the truth from me, even when it's inconvenient, you know that I care enough about you to be real with you.

So I might tell you that you talk too much. Or that I would rather eat at a different restaurant than the one you picked. Or I might tell you that I love you even though you're a hipster, or that I can't hang out with you this weekend because I need to have Ms. Lippy time.

I'll go on a rant about one dumb thing or another way more often than I should, and you might have to sit through it. I might get angry at my husband for 5 seconds in front of you 24 hours after we met because he got pulled over again. 

I might often be annoying or too opinionated or pushy or picky.

But at least I'm being real.

I'd rather be real in good and bad times, than be fake...any day of the week.

BTW, There are some benefits to being friends with a Champion of Truth:

If you're awesome, I'll tell you.

If your baby is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen, I'll tell you.

If your outfit is bad, and you haven't bought it yet, and we're in a store and you ask me, I'll tell you not to buy it. I'll save you SO much money. And when your outfit makes you look like Megan Fox, I'll tell you to buy that so hard and so quick.

If you want to chop of your hair in a moment of girl frustration, I will talk you down until you've gained your senses and realize that 92% of women look better with long hair. Unless you are a specific kind of sassy, in which case your personality can pull. that. look. off.

Confession #2

Guys...I have another confession to make.

Yesterday, Matt found out that he got into BYU. I was thrilled, because we have a life here in Provo, and it would be sad to leave it. Also, he didn't apply anywhere else. Basically, we are two lucky ducks!

As a Facebook friend said, "I love that he got into the only place he applied! It's like betting on yourself and winning!"

He asked me for advice on scheduling classes, and I got SO EXCITED....Like, beyond words excited. I was so visibly excited that he let me do it all by myself.

That's right. I'm the girl who loves planning school schedules more than most things.

In fact, I love basically everything about school. This might just be my post-grad adult self talking, because I'm pretty sure that when I was actually going through college, I kind of had a hard time. I also just think that's my personality, to see the grass on the other side as greener than my own. Since graduation, I have found myself missing school. That's right, I said it. I miss school. 

I'm like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. I love the excitement in the air throughout fall, the bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils.

I love shopping for school supplies and new clothes. I love organizing my schedule and writing in my planner. I love checking homework off of lists, reading and learning new things. I love not knowing what I'll be learning that semester, and the possibility of new ideas. I love bundling up to walk to school in crisp morning air. I love working with my mind. To me, fall time + a new school year always felt like a chance to start over again.

Mostly, I think I love school because I'm good at it. I'm not great at a lot of things, but I've got this school thing down. I'm pretty sure I was built for the structure and set expectations that school brings. I may not be able to hit a baseball farther than 3 feet, wrangle a crowd with my awesomeness, or care about politics, but dang, I have this school thing down.

So I miss it. Almost every day I think about going back. I'll just have to live vicariously through Matt. I guess, for now, that will be enough.

The Little Brother Test

Guys. I have this theory.

Let me back it up to the good ol days of 2008. Matt started doggin on me HARD at Jacob Lake, and I was so baffled that a boy smaller (circumference-wise) than me could ever be into me. I'm a curvy lady. He's 6'5" and very slim. I'm used to having no romantic hope for anyone besides football players,. My friends and I even had a joke that I would only date Triple B's (Big Boned Boys)....until Matt.

The first year of dating, I kept wondering how he could ever be attracted to me, and what people thought of us when they saw us in public. I always wondered if we looked like a "normal couple", or if people were wondering about us behind our backs. Yeah, I'm that girl. Then I came up with a theory to validate my obsessive insecurities!

The Little Brother Test

Usually, when a girl dates a boy, the boy has to be at least one of the following three things for the girl to feel feminine enough to date him:

1. Older (in age, or in personality)

2. Bigger

3. Taller

If he's not at least one of these, the girl often feels like she's dating her little brother. 

Since Matt fit #3, we were golden! He was also pretty mature for his age, which helped a lot with #1.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's see how celebrities did on the Little Brother Test:

Exhibit A: 

Jennifer Aniston can do whatever she wants. But John Mayer fits the 2nd and 3rd rules, so they can "break" the 1st rule. Bam. Winners. Normal couple.

Exhibit B:

Immortal Cher + Young Tom Cruise. 

Apparently there's a rumor going around that they dated in the 80's? They break #1 AND #2, and this picture looks like the backstage of Tom's high school choir concert and Cher is his mom. It just doesn't work. Un-win.

Exhibit C:

Old Tom Cruise + Brainwashed Katie Holmes.

They are on another planet. Any relationship test you give them, they. will. fail.

Their answer is cat.

I realize that relationships are more than looks. But let's be honest...girls think about bizarre things like this. Now, all I care about is that Matt and I make each other happy; and that trumps and kind of dumb Cosmo test I make up and post on my blog.

But still... Does a relationship have to pass the Little Brother test to make a couple "normal", or am I cray?

Confession #1: BF

Pardon my french, but there's going to be an overabundance of the word "b***h" in this post... But in my defense, this is the only way to describe what I'm about to say.

Guys, I have to talk to you about a serious problem.

I think I might have chronic B Face.

What is BF, you ask? Exhibit A.

Look, the Queen is really good at doing it. Basically it's the kind of face that can scare anyone into not talking to you, forever. 

I only realized I had this condition a few years ago. I started getting comments from friends that others thought I was unapproachable. An employee at a store tried to explain something to me once, stopped mid-sentence, and said, "You look like you've heard this before." Nope. I just have chronic BF. 

There are many types of BF. 

Quinn Fabray. That's a genuine BF right there. She's not messing around.

Cause of BF: Actually being a B. 

Look, the London Olympics! I have a hard time believing the girls on the American Gymnastics team are actually B's. They wear SCRUNCHIES in their hair and GLITTER on their faces, for crying out loud. They are, however, focusing on winning a gold medal at the Olympics. If I were trying to do that, my face would probably look like this: 

They're competing for medals. They can do whatever the heck they want.

Cause of BF: Concentration.

Oh, Xtina. You were just caught in a bad moment. 

You, too, Brad Pitt.

Cause of BF: Bad timing

I don't know who this girl is, but I think....I think she might be trying to look sexy. Dare I say that the BF is the new Duck Face? Either way, not attractive. You don't look sexy or approachable, you just look scary. I'm pretty sure this is the category I fall into 40% of the time.

Ah, young Hermione. The Original B. In her case, her BF is caused by actually being smarter than everyone else. Acceptable.

Cause of BF: Being a bad***. 

Kristen Stewart. The mother no emotion. Cause of BF: Trying to show emotion, but not knowing how faces work. I fall into this category 60% of the time. I feel the emotion inside, but have a hard time conveying it on the outside. I'm pretty sure I just compared myself to Kristen Stewart, which I'm not proud of. But it happened and there's no turning back now. 

What I'm trying to say is...if I look like Kristen Stewart, I'm probably just concentrating really hard, feeling awkward and trying not to show it, or actually just being a B. 

Now you know.

This One Is For The LADIEEES!

I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw for this post. I only wish I had her shoe collection.

I love the people I put in my life so much. So if you're in my life, you should be super happy, because not a lot of people get a pass in. It means you're awesome.

I also love good talks where we get down to the nitty gritty. I like listening to the people I love even more than the people I love! That means that I hear everything: the up, the downs, the triumphs and the heartaches. When I hear the heartaches, my brain automatically thinks, "I can fix this." And then I give some awesome advice. 

And then the next time I see my loved one, I hear the same problem. The advice has not been taken. But it's ok, because I don't know everything and people have a little something God likes to call agency. But people expect some sort of response after venting their problems, and I'm not so great at staring games, so I restate my original advice, but maybe in a more clear way.

Loved one comes back to me a third, fourth, fiftieth time because I'm a great listener (duh), and tells me the same story. It's usually about a boy. Usually it comes down to (whether they're dating, hanging out, or broken up and still hanging out): So and so doesn't appreciate me. I wish he would just love me the way I love him. I wish he would realize this amazing person that hangs around all the time and drops so many hints and is so available to him! It would be so easy for him to date me! Why doesn't he LOVE ME??? I wish he would love me!!! Why can't he love me?

By the way, by the 50th vent session without any action on your part, you are officially an askhole.

I have given this advice so much that a friend suggested I write a post about it. Because the ladies aren't getting it. No matter how many times or ways I say this, it never gets through:

Most likely, no matter how nice of a guy he is or how many "signs" you think there are, if he is not asking you out on legit dates or asking you to be his girlfriend, he is not interested in you. 

Hanging out with him more will not make him love you. He will not wake up one day and "realize what he's missing." You're too available. He gets to hang out with an awesome girl without having to do all the work of having a girlfriend, because you are making it too easy for him. 

If you walk away and he wants you, he will follow you. If you walk away, it will hurt for 0-6 months, especially if you have been enabling his bachelor ways for up to a year. But at least you will be freeing yourself up to find a guy who actually wants to date you! The hurt from walking away is better in the long run than waiting around for a douchebag (yes, even if he's a nice guy, but he's letting you make a fool of yourself, he's a douchebag) who will never fully appreciate you.

I say this out of love. It hurts my soul immensely to see how long these wonderful women are wasting their time with their non-husbands. It frustrates me to no end when I can see what they can't see. The main reason it's so hard to hear is because it happened to me. I was that girl for a long time. I wasted so much time reading "signs", walking on eggshells, crying out of frustration, and wondering about my worth. And I had people in my life who couldn't just tell me the truth: he doesn't care about you like that. No one told me to walk away. 

So I am being that person for you! 

WALK AWAY! Have the self respect to want more for your life than wishing over a boy who doesn't want you! Get busy doing things you love, and the right guy will find you when it's time. And when he finds you, you will wonder why you wasted so much time worrying that he would never come around. He will.

Friends, thank you for sharing your heartaches with me. I know it can be hard to give up on someone who seems to be so perfect. A woman's most innate desire is to love someone and have them love her back. I know I can be blunt. It's only because I am a champion of truth! It has been a great lesson for me that I can not fix everything in my loved ones' lives. I can only love you. This is how I show my love. 

So even though you may not have hope that your love life will turn around, I have hope for you. And I hope that is enough.

The Perks of Being an Introvert

I have been an introvert my entire life, but recently became a little bit obsessed with the difference between introverts and extroverts. Growing up, I really loved being alone, reading books at home, having a few close friends, and observing things quietly. When I went places, I would soak everything in but not really participate. I didn't know how else to act. I always secretly wished I was the life of the party, but I also really loved having my own world in my thoughts. At times I felt "different" because I always observed extroverts having lots of friends and interacting with ease in social situations.

As I grew up, I became less shy (btw, being shy and being an introvert do not always go hand in hand, but in my case, they do) and learned how to navigate social situations on my own terms. In college, I went to parties but found a few people to talk to in a corner. I would have fun, then leave early to go be alone. I didn't realize until about a year ago that I really need quiet, alone time to recharge my batteries. Large social gatherings with people I don't know well feel the same to me as that part in the Lion King where Scar throws Simba into that stampede. That business is overwhelming! 

I really started to notice it when I encountered extroverts. I didn't know how to act because I had surrounded myself with introverts my whole life! When I got a job teaching art, I would come home emotionally exhausted and need to spend hours by my self to make up for "performing" in front of people all day.

Doing some research about the difference between extroverts and introverts really helped me understand the personality traits of Es and Is. And now I know how to care for an extrovert when I interact with one. I also know what to ask of others as an introvert. One time I had to explain how I needed to be treated by an extrovert I spent a lot of time with. It changed everything once we understood what the other person needed. So here's what I found:

Introverts recharge by being alone and enjoy it. Extroverts are energized by people and feel "lonely" when they're not around people. 

Introverts process thoughts internally, and then share them. Extroverts think out loud and like to bounce ideas off of people.

Introverts do not like the pressure of attention in groups. Extroverts enjoy attention.

Introverts are listeners. Extroverts talk more than they listen. 

Introverts hate small talk and crave meaningful conversation. Extroverts crave chatting and don't mind small talk.

Introverts focus or fixate easily. Extroverts are easily distracted.

Introverts love to read because it gives them a safe place to explore the world with low risk. Extroverts are highly active. 

Introverts have a few close friends. Extroverts have multiple fluid relationships.

Introverts observe first in new situations. Extroverts jump right in.

Introverts are not always shy. Extroverts are not always the life of the party. No one is 100% either type. 

I read an article about how the business world values extroversion over extroversion, but introverts can actually be better at managing people! They listen to multiple points of view and consider them before making a decision, and they pull answers from other introverts because they know they're probably have a good idea in their head that they don't feel comfortable sharing. 

"According to the literature on the subject, introverts have positive and valuable attributes. They are good at listening, planning, taking time for thought, focusing, concentrating on tasks for long, uninterrupted periods of time. They can form strong and intimate bonds with people. They can act independently, listen well, can step back from a situation to analyze it, and can persevere and be loyal.

Yet, says Laney, introversion is "pathologized" in our society and labelled as anti-social. "We live in a culture that has a negative attitude about reflection and solitude," says the psychologist. [Introverts aren't anti-social—they are just social in a different way]'" - found here

Now that I have done my research, I don't feel so alone! It's easy to feel like a weirdo in a world where being outgoing and gregarious are often valued above being quiet. Knowing how extroverts and introverts think has made daily interactions so much easier to navigate! And every now and then, I practice being an introvert, just to make things interesting. 

BTW, ambiverts exist! Matt says he is 50% introvert, 50% extrovert! 

I believe that the world needs all three types of people. But here's a shout out to my fellow introverts! 

Which one are you? When did you realize which one you were? 

Two Epiphanies + a Personal Creed

For a long time I spent too much of my time comparing myself to other people. I would worry so much about what other people thought and did that it gave me anxiety. It's part of the reason I was shy. This got especially bad when I moved to Provo. I was constantly looking at girls in my dorm, at school or in church and think, Why am I not like them? Why can't I be bubbly and outgoing and the life of the party? Why can't I like country swing dancing, marathons, and the BYU Creamery?

And then I had an epiphany that I didn't have to do what everyone else was doing! It was ok that I didn't like running or watching football in the hot sun every Saturday or flirting shamelessly all over the place! I relished in the fact that I was being "different" than everyone else! I didn't dress like a punk, but I definitely had the punk attitude down. I started doing and saying things to see if I could shock people. Instead of trying to fit in, which obviously would fail anyway, I intentionally tried to be an outcast -- to be different because it's easier than trying to fit in and failing. Along with this punk attitude came a wave of bitterness that put everyone who was different than me (not quiet but selectively and overbearingly outspoken, perky, outwardly happy) into an Other category. Anything that an Other would do, I automatically hated because it was too mainstream.

Mind you, this was all in Provo. Everything I did was still mainstream.

BTW, I'm pretty sure putting people in an Other category, even perky BYU teenagers, is the first step to social destruction. I know. Keep reading.

And then I realized that being different just to be different is just as bad as fitting into your culture because you're trying to fit in! Either way, you're not being yourself! 

And now that I've had two epiphanies, I have so many questions!

Do I mock Twilight because my culture mocks it, or would I like it if I weren't told to hate it?

Would it have been so bad to ride that Hunger Games wave instead of waiting until AFTER its peak of popularity?

Would it be the end of the world if I went on a date to Fro Yo?

Can I have a blog and not talk about my husband all the time? (Probably not???)

Can I be a newlywed and not cave into the pressure of being the perfect homemaker + full-time employee + sexy beast + evil genius + seriously so blessed?!??!?!

Is it ok to like Justin Bieber?

Can I enjoy rap + hip hop + country + jazz + acoustic + pop + oldies without sparking another world war?

Can I finally, publicly admit to the state of Utah that I am NOT OUTDOORSY?

The answer, to most of those questions, is four. By the way, have you noticed that I'm an all or nothing kind of person?

Basically, what I'm saying is...

I'm going to try harder to filter things through the Kellie Filter.

I will like things if I like them, and not because someone is telling me to like them.

I will dislike things if I dislike them, and not because someone is telling me to dislike them.

I will keep an open mind.

I will weigh my options before making a snap decision.

I will try to not hate things because certain people love them.

I will try to not facetiously love something because it's taboo to be loved.

I will stop basing my opinions on the opinions of outside, unjust influences.

And that, my friends, is what happens when you google Justin Bieber.

Adventures in Utah + What Looper Taught Me About Motherhood

Work takes me all over the state. Last year, as a new teacher living the single life, traveling was almost a welcome escape from dumb ol' Provo. It meant I had an excuse for not dating or going to activities I didn't want to go to! It was great! Now that I'm an old lady, this year at work is interesting. I feel like I am a better teacher and can handle "hard schools" better, which in turn makes my days better. But now every time I have to spend the night away from my old man, I can't wait to get home!

(It's a welcome heartache to miss a good husband.) 

This weekend, we had two events five hours across the state from each other. So Rachel went South to cover that event, and I went north. Since I was going to be alone, Matt and I decided to make a weekend of it. We stayed at a hotel the night before my event and partied it up....in Ogden. 

Ogden is a weird place, because it's only 90 minutes away from Provo, but it feels almost like a different state. It's got the ghetto of SLC, but none of the class that goes with it. Somehow (ok, after an hour on urbanspoon.com), we found an amazing (seriously, amazing) Japanese restaurant with some serious swagger and delicious, cheap food. Apparently there was a Greek festival that weekend, so the place was deserted except for a few quiet couples, which we loved. These Hardins love their privacy! 

We went and saw Looper and had a nice swim in the hotel pool, then I had to go to bed so I could present at the event the next morning. Something weirdsies happened during the movie. Read on to find out.

SPOILER and crazy transcendent tangent to follow:

Looper is a cray cray time-travel movie akin to Inception and set in the future. It was so realistic that I walked out of the theater terrified for 2044! The movie sets up different ways the characters' lives could have turned out based on the choices they made. One of the main characters is the mother of a child who we know turns out to be an evil gang lord in the future who kills maybe a bazillion people, give or take, with his telekinetic power. At one point, a character has the chance to kill the gang lord in his childhood, and prevent those bazillion deaths. The only reason he doesn't kill the gang lord is because his mother convinces him that, with a good mother, Sid can grow up to use his power for good and not evil. She can change the course of history by mothering him right. 

Emily Blunt has come a long way from The Devil Wears Prada.

Joseph Gordon-Leavitt srsly changed his face for this movie.

Sitting in that theater, during a crazy R-rated violent movie, I had a silent, introspective transcendent moment; an epiphany about the importance of motherhood.

Of course I already know and respect the role that a mother plays in her children's lives. I had a good mother and a church to give me that example. But sometimes it's nice to see that moral reinforced through a third party. As if having God, church leaders and my family teach me that isn't enough, someone in Hollywood also agrees that a mother's choices can change her kids for good! 

Something crazy happens when you get married. I feel like a dormant part of my personality has been slowly waking up from hibernation, and the hunger for motherhood is fierce after 24 years of childless winter. (WHAT?!?!? That sentence just happened.) Now that the reality of motherhood could hit at any moment, I've been pondering the timing and responsibility of rearing a tiny half-version of myself. Since I am a natural worrier, the task in its ambiguity seems daunting. I keep trying to fill out calendars (in months) in my head, wondering how I'd juggle a baby and a career, or if I'd give up one for the other, for the time being. I keep feeling guilty for wanting to move up in my field , because I feel like my eternal role is to raise children full-time. I really want to get a Masters and one day be an Education Curator at a museum. But I also desperately want to raise a family. I truly believe that being a mother is the most important thing I can do on this earth.

The day after Looper, Matt's mother invited me to watch the General Relief Society Meeting at her stake center. I really enjoy Mary, and I honestly wasn't thinking about going, so it was nice to have a few hours with her.

The first talk was my favorite. 

 The speakers were great, but I kept getting distracted by my own thoughts. I realize that I needed to be in that room to feel the added measure of the Spirit speak to me about my life. The principals they taught were true, but the Spirit was answering the questions I had been pondering for months:

Is it ok to enjoy my job and keep teaching?

Is teaching really what I was meant to do?

Should I get a Masters? 

Should I give up teaching to become a mother? When?

The answer I received didn't solve everything, but it definitely quieted my worries. 

I received a strong impression that the position I have now, teaching children art, is preparing me to be a mother to my own children one day. 

I still don't know the timing of my impending motherhood or how far I will get in my career. I still have days when I wonder why I got into teaching and if I'm really cut out for it. But I also have days that are extremely rewarding. Sometimes I want to yell at kids, other times I want to hug them for their goodness. I hate the lack of sleep, and how tired I feel at the end of a school day. But all of it is preparation for my eternal role. The hard days are always worth the good days. So whatever happens in the future, I will be more prepared for it because of this job. And that is a great answer to have.

Thank you, Looper, for advocating motherhood. And thanks to LDS Conference for letting me have a quiet moment to synthesize those thoughts.