I'm learning, thinking, processing and translating so much information about art education and museum education at NAEA that my brain feels like it might explode. It's daunting and exciting and makes me want to run the world, but also maybe just curl up in bed for five days.
Tonight at dinner my colleagues and I somehow got on topics like women in the Church, the nature of God, immigration, how lucky we are to eat food, and how rare is to be an educated woman in America at this time in history of the world. A lot of opinions were stated, but received with an attitude of open-mindedness and a desire to discuss. Maybe it's because I elect to spend a lot of time alone, but I found myself really loving this rare occasion to have an engaging conversation with smart women who have opinions.
When you have Best Friend Day, and you don't really have plans besides "going to lunch" and "window shopping", here's a tip: never bring your debit card with you and accidentally drive yourselves over to the fanciest mall in all the land. Bring only cash. Don't ask me how I learned this...
Oh hey, guys! It's time for some festive diy ideas to celebrate Valentine's Day. I have a confession, though...I'm usually too lazy to make any of them. I just love finding them and looking at the pictures. But if I weren't too lazy, I'd definitely do #7, the date idea arrows. It's a no-excuse way to always have a date planned. I put these up a few days early so you have time to make them before Thursday. If you make any, I'd love to see pictures or hear about it.
This post is a part of the 2013 Bucket List series, in which I tell the whole world my goals so I have to complete them. You can read the original post here.
This is the second post about the FTP. To get caught up, read this post first, where I explain my goals and share invites + tips.
Here is an update on one of my 2013 goals:
Throw a Favorite Things party
We finally did it! The FTP finally happened! I've been wanting to do this party for months.
I'm pretty sure Meryl Streep has navigated Hollywood aging in the most graceful way ever. Plus, in the span of a year she played The Devil in The Devil Wears Prada + Julia Childe in Julie + Julia. I want to give her a hug and maybe go to an art museum with her. And then I'd ask her how Alec Baldwin is at kissing, on a scale of 1-10.
I think I've written about Emma Stone before. I love the vulnerability and humor she brings to the roles she plays. She has a personality behind the beauty, which is rare in women in Hollywood. Plus, she advocates eating the damn red velvet cupcake because life is short. Here, here!
I fell in love with Sarah Jessica Parker watching Sex + the City. She just has this undefinable quality that makes me want to follow her around and give her things. I love the clothes her character wore and the ideas she brought up in her column. I wish I could pull of that wardrobe and I want to be a writer like Carrie, using my life as inspiration for words.
SJP is married to Ferris from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I would never have put them together, but I get it. Her life choices just seem so interesting. So cheers to you, SJP! You have fabulous style! Don't listen to what anybody says about your face, because I think it's beautiful.
I'm sure by now you have heard about the renegade call for LDS women to wear pants to church this Sunday. I have read a few articles about it (go here for more context. I especially loved cJane's take on the subject) and I don't entirely know how I feel about the whole situation. This is what I do feel...
I believe that church is a time to worship God, learn more about the Gospel, and build community with fellow LDS members.
I believe that God does not care about what we wear to church as long as it is our best and we are fully clothed.
I believe that pants are not the thing that make men and women equal.
I enjoy femininity and the spirit that comes with being a woman. (edit: I'm not saying that wearing pants to church makes you less feminine. I'm just saying that I enjoy being feminine, and I also enjoy being a strong woman, and those are not mutually exclusive.)
Skirts are more comfortable than pants. Pants can be just as dressy as skirts. Neither alone will secure my place in the Celestial Kingdom.
Women and men were created to work together as partners. Men are not above women. Women are not above men. We have equally important roles, and clothing does not change that.
What do you think? Just as on my Facebook, I welcome all opinions as long as they are respectful and in a spirit of discussion, not bashing.
And whatever you do, please just don't wear these to church...or ever:
If you haven't read her book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?, drop everything and go buy it. I read it at the gym and almost fell off my elliptical about 12 billion times because I was laughing so hard. I love a book or a person when they can say things that are smart, observant, funny, humble and totally true. This is basically every sentence in her book. Do it. Go read it. Do it now.
Let's just say that this is probably what I want more than what all women want. I will say that most women do like to be surprised with a romantic gesture like #1 or #5, if its in your budget.
one: plan a trip and surprise her with the plans on christmas day / two : a weekender bag for that trip you planned / three / four : her favorite tv series on dvd / five : remember how you always talked about getting that pet? get it! / six / seven : a book you think she'll enjoy / eight / nine : a year subscription of her favorite magazine
Today's lesson in Relief Society was about waiting on the Lord. We talked about having patience and faith in the Lord's timing while hoping so desperately for a specific thing to happen in our lives. The whole hour, I wanted so badly to raise my hand and comment about my most recent experience with waiting; to stand up tall and pontificate about the wonderfulness and the despair that comes with waiting. I wanted people to see that I had a trial that was very hard for me, and I feel like I learned to endure it with faith and grace. After all, my trial was literally to wait. In waiting for a missionary, I put on hold a temple marriage, children, and a more comfortable life (because he has yet to start college). I'm a pro at waiting! I was the perfect example of waiting! So why did the Spirit stop me from raising my hand and sharing my story?
I don't really know. But I have a guess.
Because my story of waiting, no matter hard it was for me, was not that hard.
Standing up and sharing my story of literally waiting for a missionary while others are quietly waiting for children to bless their homes, or enduring life after their spouse died, or surviving cancer, or waiting for a wayward child to return to the Gospel, seems trivial. I waited for my blessing for two years, but others wait lifetimes for theirs.
Yes, I waited in a literal sense, and I used the Lord to get me through it. I had faith that I was doing the right thing, and I turned to God in times of doubt and weakness to lift me up. I waited on the Lord. But there are other, more significant ways to wait on Him. And supposing that my trial trumps all the other ones in the room is not fair.
So I formulated what I would say if I were to stand up and give a speech, and then I listened to others tell their stories.
I learned so much more by listening than by speaking.
I've been trying to figure out small ways to make teaching less monotonous/more enjoyable/awesome for my students. I have started doing short exercises in the middle of my 30-minute presentations with my students. The small ones love pretending to be seeds that grow up towards the sun to turn into a tree. We're basically doing yoga! It gets their wiggles out and is a nice break for me from talking. They love me because I don't just talk at them, we do fun things!
Pardon my french, but there's going to be an overabundance of the word "b***h" in this post... But in my defense, this is the only way to describe what I'm about to say.
Guys, I have to talk to you about a serious problem.
I think I might have chronic B Face.
What is BF, you ask? Exhibit A.
Look, the Queen is really good at doing it. Basically it's the kind of face that can scare anyone into not talking to you, forever.
I only realized I had this condition a few years ago. I started getting comments from friends that others thought I was unapproachable. An employee at a store tried to explain something to me once, stopped mid-sentence, and said, "You look like you've heard this before." Nope. I just have chronic BF.
There are many types of BF.
Quinn Fabray. That's a genuine BF right there. She's not messing around.
Cause of BF: Actually being a B.
Look, the London Olympics! I have a hard time believing the girls on the American Gymnastics team are actually B's. They wear SCRUNCHIES in their hair and GLITTER on their faces, for crying out loud. They are, however, focusing on winning a gold medal at the Olympics. If I were trying to do that, my face would probably look like this:
They're competing for medals. They can do whatever the heck they want.
Cause of BF: Concentration.
Oh, Xtina. You were just caught in a bad moment.
You, too, Brad Pitt.
Cause of BF: Bad timing
I don't know who this girl is, but I think....I think she might be trying to look sexy. Dare I say that the BF is the new Duck Face? Either way, not attractive. You don't look sexy or approachable, you just look scary. I'm pretty sure this is the category I fall into 40% of the time.
Ah, young Hermione. The Original B. In her case, her BF is caused by actually being smarter than everyone else. Acceptable.
Cause of BF: Being a bad***.
Kristen Stewart. The mother no emotion. Cause of BF: Trying to show emotion, but not knowing how faces work. I fall into this category 60% of the time. I feel the emotion inside, but have a hard time conveying it on the outside. I'm pretty sure I just compared myself to Kristen Stewart, which I'm not proud of. But it happened and there's no turning back now.
What I'm trying to say is...if I look like Kristen Stewart, I'm probably just concentrating really hard, feeling awkward and trying not to show it, or actually just being a B.
I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw for this post. I only wish I had her shoe collection.
I love the people I put in my life so much. So if you're in my life, you should be super happy, because not a lot of people get a pass in. It means you're awesome.
I also love good talks where we get down to the nitty gritty. I like listening to the people I love even more than the people I love! That means that I hear everything: the up, the downs, the triumphs and the heartaches. When I hear the heartaches, my brain automatically thinks, "I can fix this." And then I give some awesome advice.
And then the next time I see my loved one, I hear the same problem. The advice has not been taken. But it's ok, because I don't know everything and people have a little something God likes to call agency. But people expect some sort of response after venting their problems, and I'm not so great at staring games, so I restate my original advice, but maybe in a more clear way.
Loved one comes back to me a third, fourth, fiftieth time because I'm a great listener (duh), and tells me the same story. It's usually about a boy. Usually it comes down to (whether they're dating, hanging out, or broken up and still hanging out): So and so doesn't appreciate me. I wish he would just love me the way I love him. I wish he would realize this amazing person that hangs around all the time and drops so many hints and is so available to him! It would be so easy for him to date me! Why doesn't he LOVE ME??? I wish he would love me!!! Why can't he love me?
By the way, by the 50th vent session without any action on your part, you are officially an askhole.
I have given this advice so much that a friend suggested I write a post about it. Because the ladies aren't getting it. No matter how many times or ways I say this, it never gets through:
Most likely, no matter how nice of a guy he is or how many "signs" you think there are, if he is not asking you out on legit dates or asking you to be his girlfriend, he is not interested in you.
Hanging out with him more will not make him love you. He will not wake up one day and "realize what he's missing." You're too available. He gets to hang out with an awesome girl without having to do all the work of having a girlfriend, because you are making it too easy for him.
If you walk away and he wants you, he will follow you. If you walk away, it will hurt for 0-6 months, especially if you have been enabling his bachelor ways for up to a year. But at least you will be freeing yourself up to find a guy who actually wants to date you! The hurt from walking away is better in the long run than waiting around for a douchebag (yes, even if he's a nice guy, but he's letting you make a fool of yourself, he's a douchebag) who will never fully appreciate you.
I say this out of love. It hurts my soul immensely to see how long these wonderful women are wasting their time with their non-husbands. It frustrates me to no end when I can see what they can't see. The main reason it's so hard to hear is because it happened to me. I was that girl for a long time. I wasted so much time reading "signs", walking on eggshells, crying out of frustration, and wondering about my worth. And I had people in my life who couldn't just tell me the truth: he doesn't care about you like that. No one told me to walk away.
So I am being that person for you!
WALK AWAY! Have the self respect to want more for your life than wishing over a boy who doesn't want you! Get busy doing things you love, and the right guy will find you when it's time. And when he finds you, you will wonder why you wasted so much time worrying that he would never come around. He will.
Friends, thank you for sharing your heartaches with me. I know it can be hard to give up on someone who seems to be so perfect. A woman's most innate desire is to love someone and have them love her back. I know I can be blunt. It's only because I am a champion of truth! It has been a great lesson for me that I can not fix everything in my loved ones' lives. I can only love you. This is how I show my love.
So even though you may not have hope that your love life will turn around, I have hope for you. And I hope that is enough.
Work takes me all over the state. Last year, as a new teacher living the single life, traveling was almost a welcome escape from dumb ol' Provo. It meant I had an excuse for not dating or going to activities I didn't want to go to! It was great! Now that I'm an old lady, this year at work is interesting. I feel like I am a better teacher and can handle "hard schools" better, which in turn makes my days better. But now every time I have to spend the night away from my old man, I can't wait to get home!
(It's a welcome heartache to miss a good husband.)
This weekend, we had two events five hours across the state from each other. So Rachel went South to cover that event, and I went north. Since I was going to be alone, Matt and I decided to make a weekend of it. We stayed at a hotel the night before my event and partied it up....in Ogden.
Ogden is a weird place, because it's only 90 minutes away from Provo, but it feels almost like a different state. It's got the ghetto of SLC, but none of the class that goes with it. Somehow (ok, after an hour on urbanspoon.com), we found an amazing (seriously, amazing) Japanese restaurant with some serious swagger and delicious, cheap food. Apparently there was a Greek festival that weekend, so the place was deserted except for a few quiet couples, which we loved. These Hardins love their privacy!
We went and saw Looper and had a nice swim in the hotel pool, then I had to go to bed so I could present at the event the next morning. Something weirdsies happened during the movie. Read on to find out.
SPOILER and crazy transcendent tangent to follow:
Looper is a cray cray time-travel movie akin to Inception and set in the future. It was so realistic that I walked out of the theater terrified for 2044! The movie sets up different ways the characters' lives could have turned out based on the choices they made. One of the main characters is the mother of a child who we know turns out to be an evil gang lord in the future who kills maybe a bazillion people, give or take, with his telekinetic power. At one point, a character has the chance to kill the gang lord in his childhood, and prevent those bazillion deaths. The only reason he doesn't kill the gang lord is because his mother convinces him that, with a good mother, Sid can grow up to use his power for good and not evil. She can change the course of history by mothering him right.
Emily Blunt has come a long way from The Devil Wears Prada.
Joseph Gordon-Leavitt srsly changed his face for this movie.
Sitting in that theater, during a crazy R-rated violent movie, I had a silent, introspective transcendent moment; an epiphany about the importance of motherhood.
Of course I already know and respect the role that a mother plays in her children's lives. I had a good mother and a church to give me that example. But sometimes it's nice to see that moral reinforced through a third party. As if having God, church leaders and my family teach me that isn't enough, someone in Hollywood also agrees that a mother's choices can change her kids for good!
Something crazy happens when you get married. I feel like a dormant part of my personality has been slowly waking up from hibernation, and the hunger for motherhood is fierce after 24 years of childless winter. (WHAT?!?!? That sentence just happened.) Now that the reality of motherhood could hit at any moment, I've been pondering the timing and responsibility of rearing a tiny half-version of myself. Since I am a natural worrier, the task in its ambiguity seems daunting. I keep trying to fill out calendars (in months) in my head, wondering how I'd juggle a baby and a career, or if I'd give up one for the other, for the time being. I keep feeling guilty for wanting to move up in my field , because I feel like my eternal role is to raise children full-time. I really want to get a Masters and one day be an Education Curator at a museum. But I also desperately want to raise a family. I truly believe that being a mother is the most important thing I can do on this earth.
The day after Looper, Matt's mother invited me to watch the General Relief Society Meeting at her stake center. I really enjoy Mary, and I honestly wasn't thinking about going, so it was nice to have a few hours with her.
The first talk was my favorite.
The speakers were great, but I kept getting distracted by my own thoughts. I realize that I needed to be in that room to feel the added measure of the Spirit speak to me about my life. The principals they taught were true, but the Spirit was answering the questions I had been pondering for months:
Is it ok to enjoy my job and keep teaching?
Is teaching really what I was meant to do?
Should I get a Masters?
Should I give up teaching to become a mother? When?
The answer I received didn't solve everything, but it definitely quieted my worries.
I received a strong impression that the position I have now, teaching children art, is preparing me to be a mother to my own children one day.
I still don't know the timing of my impending motherhood or how far I will get in my career. I still have days when I wonder why I got into teaching and if I'm really cut out for it. But I also have days that are extremely rewarding. Sometimes I want to yell at kids, other times I want to hug them for their goodness. I hate the lack of sleep, and how tired I feel at the end of a school day. But all of it is preparation for my eternal role. The hard days are always worth the good days. So whatever happens in the future, I will be more prepared for it because of this job. And that is a great answer to have.
Thank you, Looper, for advocating motherhood. And thanks to LDS Conference for letting me have a quiet moment to synthesize those thoughts.
