I'm a firm believer in doing what I want. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. If you don't believe me, just ask my parents what I was like as a kid. Maybe some people call it stubborn? I've just always known what I wanted and how to ask for it.
I remember when Matt was still on his mission, this girl came over to see to my roommate and I sat down to be polite and socialize with them for a bit. She asked about my missionary, then proceeded to tell me that it would never work out and that no one ever ends up marrying their missionaries and that I should just give up now. Ten minutes after meeting me. That conversation made me so mad and baffled that all I could do was politely excuse myself and go silently rage in my room.
After an experience like that, you might expect a normal person to rethink their decision and maybe doubt their resolve. Somehow, criticism and doubt aimed at my choices only ends up making me want to follow through with 10x more enthusiasm. If someone tells me I can't do something, I just end up doing it anyway to show them it can be done.
Maybe someone should tell me I can't lose 50 pounds and be a millionaire. Maybe it would work.
What I'm trying to say is, if you tell me not to do something, watch out, because it will give me the fiery passion of a thousand dragons' flames. And I will prove you wrong.
If you're prone to being a people pleaser (to your own detriment), I challenge you to start politely, yet unapologetically doing what you want. It's amazingly liberating.
BTW, I'm trying to take this theory even further with a new mantra, "Be who you are." I'm trying to stop feeling guilty for being an introvert/homebody/indoor cat. Because the world needs people who are true to themselves.
I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw for this post. I only wish I had her shoe collection.
I love the people I put in my life so much. So if you're in my life, you should be super happy, because not a lot of people get a pass in. It means you're awesome.
I also love good talks where we get down to the nitty gritty. I like listening to the people I love even more than the people I love! That means that I hear everything: the up, the downs, the triumphs and the heartaches. When I hear the heartaches, my brain automatically thinks, "I can fix this." And then I give some awesome advice.
And then the next time I see my loved one, I hear the same problem. The advice has not been taken. But it's ok, because I don't know everything and people have a little something God likes to call agency. But people expect some sort of response after venting their problems, and I'm not so great at staring games, so I restate my original advice, but maybe in a more clear way.
Loved one comes back to me a third, fourth, fiftieth time because I'm a great listener (duh), and tells me the same story. It's usually about a boy. Usually it comes down to (whether they're dating, hanging out, or broken up and still hanging out): So and so doesn't appreciate me. I wish he would just love me the way I love him. I wish he would realize this amazing person that hangs around all the time and drops so many hints and is so available to him! It would be so easy for him to date me! Why doesn't he LOVE ME??? I wish he would love me!!! Why can't he love me?
By the way, by the 50th vent session without any action on your part, you are officially an askhole.
I have given this advice so much that a friend suggested I write a post about it. Because the ladies aren't getting it. No matter how many times or ways I say this, it never gets through:
Most likely, no matter how nice of a guy he is or how many "signs" you think there are, if he is not asking you out on legit dates or asking you to be his girlfriend, he is not interested in you.
Hanging out with him more will not make him love you. He will not wake up one day and "realize what he's missing." You're too available. He gets to hang out with an awesome girl without having to do all the work of having a girlfriend, because you are making it too easy for him.
If you walk away and he wants you, he will follow you. If you walk away, it will hurt for 0-6 months, especially if you have been enabling his bachelor ways for up to a year. But at least you will be freeing yourself up to find a guy who actually wants to date you! The hurt from walking away is better in the long run than waiting around for a douchebag (yes, even if he's a nice guy, but he's letting you make a fool of yourself, he's a douchebag) who will never fully appreciate you.
I say this out of love. It hurts my soul immensely to see how long these wonderful women are wasting their time with their non-husbands. It frustrates me to no end when I can see what they can't see. The main reason it's so hard to hear is because it happened to me. I was that girl for a long time. I wasted so much time reading "signs", walking on eggshells, crying out of frustration, and wondering about my worth. And I had people in my life who couldn't just tell me the truth: he doesn't care about you like that. No one told me to walk away.
So I am being that person for you!
WALK AWAY! Have the self respect to want more for your life than wishing over a boy who doesn't want you! Get busy doing things you love, and the right guy will find you when it's time. And when he finds you, you will wonder why you wasted so much time worrying that he would never come around. He will.
Friends, thank you for sharing your heartaches with me. I know it can be hard to give up on someone who seems to be so perfect. A woman's most innate desire is to love someone and have them love her back. I know I can be blunt. It's only because I am a champion of truth! It has been a great lesson for me that I can not fix everything in my loved ones' lives. I can only love you. This is how I show my love.
So even though you may not have hope that your love life will turn around, I have hope for you. And I hope that is enough.
Here are a few things no one ever tells you about being engaged:
1. Being in love, and actually looking like you're in love while a stranger tells you to look like you're in love are not the same thing. Taking engagement pictures was one of the most awkward evenings of my adult life, besides a lot of the dates I went on while Matt was gone haha. I suggest meeting the photographer for lunch before you bare your photographic souls to her on camera. I did this with our wedding photographer, and it made all the difference on our wedding day. I also paid her then so I wouldn't have to remember to pay her at the reception.
2. Married housing in Provo is a sham. Landlords know they can get a lot of money out of young students without keeping up the property, so it took a long time, and a move, to find a place we loved. Don't move into a basement unless you absolutely have to. Find a place with a landlord that knows what they're doing, not a 20-something couple who owns the house with their dad and takes $150 out every year to "clean the carpets." Honey, we know you're using that money to support your hipster lifestyle. Even if you live in a hobo's nest, living together is so much better than having to say goodbye every night. So I guess you can just do what you want! At the end of the day, it's just nice to come home to your husband.
Matt eating brownies at the first house we looked at.
We thought this was the one, but after looking around a lot we realized it wasn't. Don't sign at the first place you like.
3. Don't break the bank. I splurged on a few things, but we kept our budget pretty low. I'm happy we didn't spend more than we did, because the most important thing is that you're married to the right man in the right place, and your family is there to see it. Everything else is extra. It's nice to have a pretty wedding, but it's also nice to pay rent haha. So buy that rockin wedding dress if you want to, but go cheap in other areas to make up for the splurge.
Hint: If you try to make a 4-figure budget look like a 5-figure wedding, it'll end up looking tacky. We went rustic-elegant, and I loved the laid-back feel.
The right place.
The right man :)
The family.
4. If you're having a wedding outside your home state like me (my family lives in California but we live in Utah), and you're worried no one is going to show up (my biggest wedding fear!), here's a tip...
Choose a small venue. If you use a large venue and only 40 people show up, it will feel like a ghost town. If your venue is small and 40 people show up, it's a party!
Us watching our best man give his speech.
4. Planning a large, public, romantic event is stressful. But eventually, you will be married, and that's all that matters. Don't worry too much about what other people think and do what you want! It's the only time you'll be entirely justified in doing so...so live it up! Just don't be so picky your friends and family want you to go on the show Bridezilla. Do what you want, but find ways to let others be a part of your big day. If someone offers to help you, let them. Make sure everyone that wants to has something special to do.
5. I don't know everything, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
