A few weeks ago, I was called up to the stand to speak in church. Someone in charge forgot to get speakers that week, and the Bishop was winging it. The second I heard him say that, I knew I would be talking. Out of 100+ people in the congregation, I just had that tingly feeling in my chest. I just knew it.
I'm pretty sure it was a sign that God wanted me to preach to myself. I always end up learning amazing life lessons from myself when I take the time to formulate them for an audience. Separating myself from my own life makes me appreciate it more.
In the five minutes I had to prepare a talk, I could only think of one thing: talk about what you know. The closest thing to my heart right now is learning how to be happy in every situation, no matter what. I tend to find the negative in things. That kind of changed when Matt came into my life because he's such a positive person. I did not expect to be 22 and have a missionary. I distinctly remember saying to my boyfriend at 18: I expect to be married before I graduate college. It's about that time, and nothing. How silly I was. I did not expect to stay in Provo this summer. Besides Fullerton, California, Provo was the last place I wanted to be. I have the intense desire to see the world, and I believe the best time to do it is when you're single. But God had better plans for me. I don't know what those plans are, but I know they take place in Provo for the time being. Boo hoo, I have a missionary and I'm still in Provo. It doesn't sound that bad, but it's hardly the adventure I expected.
When the words came out of my mouth, I knew I needed to hear them more than anyone in that congregation. Life can be full and joyful in any situation. Maybe not 100% of it, maybe not 100% of the time. But I truly believe that I can find great things anywhere, any time, any place. Lately my days are quieter, less exciting. I go to school, I go to work. I have amazing friends that I am reconnecting with, but something is still missing. But I am filling that void with joy. I am determined to love my life no matter what.
Some days I loathe the fact that I'm not living in another country, or even another state (another county?) Other days I receive the quiet affirmation that Provo is where I need to be right now. It can be hard to accept things that you know are good for you, but not what you wanted.
I may not know why I am here right now, sitting in summer school and working at a wedding invitation store I have no need to patronize, but I do know one thing: God has better plans for me than I have for myself. This is enough.