Wednesday, March 14, 2012


The day I have been waiting FOUR years for is TOMORROW! Matthew is returning from his 2-year mission in the Philippines. We haven't seen each other since March 9, 2010. I have felt his absence immensely. This poem  by e.e. cummings basically sums us up:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I just carry him in my little heart wherever I go. I would never have planned to be 23 and waiting for a missionary, but God has better plans than I do. The past two years have been full of new experiences: student teaching, graduation, a full-time job, heartache, loneliness, adventures and spiritual/physical/emotional growth. I have rediscovered my love of reading. I encountered multiple boys that cemented my decision to marry Matt. I have gained and lost friends, for better and worse. I have gone on road trips, had meaningful conversations, served as my ward's Relief Sociey President, became a Wardie and then a hermit,  and learned that I need 8-9 hours of sleep to function as a normal human being. I learned more fully how to be happy within myself without a significant other. I learned how to write love letters, how to care better for others, how to care for myself. I have grown in empathy, charity and maturity. I joined a legit gym and established a healthier lifestyle. I commenced and halted the planning of a wedding after I realized I can't plan a 2-person life alone. When strangers doubted my decision, I learned to listen to myself and the Spirit to make a decision that was good for me, rather than listen to people who don't know anything about our relationship. I made and partially completed a bucket list. I started work at a museum as an outreach art teacher using my degree. I learned to be still. I strengthened my relationship with family members. Sometimes I cried, vented, whined, and felt sorry for myself....and then I moved on. I daydreamed about life after March 15, 2012. I made it through two holiday seasons single. I practiced finding the good in any situation. I have become more comfortable within myself. My heart has stretched in ways I never knew it could. I have missed him 738 days in a row. I have never regretted my decision. 

Two years without the person you love is pretty hard. But so is being single without an end in sight. So is being a military wife. So is actually going on a mission. So are a lot of things. In 2008, for batshit crazy unknown reasons, I prayed that God would lead me to the man I was supposed to marry, but not marry him yet. Two months later I met Matt and started down a very long road of waiting. It was difficult, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Matthew and I are now more prepared to start our married life together after growing separately for two years. Now it's time to grow together. I'm so happy this part of my life is over, and even more excited for the future. 

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Kim L. said...

If I had a blog in the year 2001, that it exactly what it would have said. I vividly remember what it was my limbs were missing for 2 years. However, we both grew individually so much in that time that made us into better people... Better spouses for each other. He left Eric 1.0 and came back Eric 10.0. So worth the sacrifice. Be patient with him in his transition back to real life... He is coming from a totally dfferent world. The transition to reality is HARD and takes time. Patience. Patience. Patience. Love you. Good luck! .

Naazju said...

Hooray, hooray, hooray, YOU DID IT! Good luck over the next few months!

wistie said...

i envy what your feeling right now. i remember that feeling. it was awesome. it will be well worth it, i'm sure it already has been. congratulations and best wishes. you deserve all the happiness that is about to come your way.

Janey said...

Yay!!! I loved your post. I think you pretty much summed it up for anyone that has had a missionary! Proud of you! Can't wait to hear how everything goes.

Quinn and Becky Green said...
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Erin said...

Yay!! So happy for you and congrats on waiting two years :) Big achievement sister!

The TWIT said...

I love this post. I love your perspective, and your writing style.
I waited for my husband as well. Well, I waited until I was old enough to go on a mission, and then I went. I remember hearing the doubters, and just knowing that I was not just waiting for a boy, I was waiting for my husband.
Having gone through the difficult journey of being apart for so long gave us the strength to get through anything together. We have been through so many trials since being married, death, miscarriage, lost jobs, the list could go on forever.
But I find such strength knowing that the hard part, the part where we had to be apart is over, and now we will be together for Eternity.

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