Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Two Epiphanies + a Personal Creed

For a long time I spent too much of my time comparing myself to other people. I would worry so much about what other people thought and did that it gave me anxiety. It's part of the reason I was shy. This got especially bad when I moved to Provo. I was constantly looking at girls in my dorm, at school or in church and think, Why am I not like them? Why can't I be bubbly and outgoing and the life of the party? Why can't I like country swing dancing, marathons, and the BYU Creamery?

And then I had an epiphany that I didn't have to do what everyone else was doing! It was ok that I didn't like running or watching football in the hot sun every Saturday or flirting shamelessly all over the place! I relished in the fact that I was being "different" than everyone else! I didn't dress like a punk, but I definitely had the punk attitude down. I started doing and saying things to see if I could shock people. Instead of trying to fit in, which obviously would fail anyway, I intentionally tried to be an outcast -- to be different because it's easier than trying to fit in and failing. Along with this punk attitude came a wave of bitterness that put everyone who was different than me (not quiet but selectively and overbearingly outspoken, perky, outwardly happy) into an Other category. Anything that an Other would do, I automatically hated because it was too mainstream.

Mind you, this was all in Provo. Everything I did was still mainstream.

BTW, I'm pretty sure putting people in an Other category, even perky BYU teenagers, is the first step to social destruction. I know. Keep reading.

And then I realized that being different just to be different is just as bad as fitting into your culture because you're trying to fit in! Either way, you're not being yourself! 

And now that I've had two epiphanies, I have so many questions!

Do I mock Twilight because my culture mocks it, or would I like it if I weren't told to hate it?
Would it have been so bad to ride that Hunger Games wave instead of waiting until AFTER its peak of popularity?
Would it be the end of the world if I went on a date to Fro Yo?
Can I have a blog and not talk about my husband all the time? (Probably not???)
Can I be a newlywed and not cave into the pressure of being the perfect homemaker + full-time employee + sexy beast + evil genius + seriously so blessed?!??!?!
Is it ok to like Justin Bieber?
Can I enjoy rap + hip hop + country + jazz + acoustic + pop + oldies without sparking another world war?
Can I finally, publicly admit to the state of Utah that I am NOT OUTDOORSY?

The answer, to most of those questions, is four. By the way, have you noticed that I'm an all or nothing kind of person?

Basically, what I'm saying is...

I'm going to try harder to filter things through the Kellie Filter.
I will like things if I like them, and not because someone is telling me to like them.
I will dislike things if I dislike them, and not because someone is telling me to dislike them.
I will keep an open mind.
I will weigh my options before making a snap decision.
I will try to not hate things because certain people love them.
I will try to not facetiously love something because it's taboo to be loved.
I will stop basing my opinions on the opinions of outside, unjust influences.

And that, my friends, is what happens when you google Justin Bieber.

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