Week 8, Day FIFTY! Ultrasound Month 2

Last month I went in for two ultrasounds to see how my babymaker was working. Things didn't look too great according to the doctor. I didn't ovulate. He added the Femara and told me to come back this month. I just had my first ultrasound and he said things are looking much better than they were last month. I may even ovulate...what a concept!

The doctor also told me that I have a pretty severe case of PCOS. "It's not mild," he said. It's pretty full-blown. Lovely. At the same time he keeps saying he's confident I'll get pregnant, but it may take some time. I guess I just have to trust him. His waiting room is always full, which means he has to know what he's talking about, right? ...Right?

Meanwhile I'm learning a lot about PCOS. For example, I know that I have SAD and I just found out that having PCOS makes you more prone to having SAD. So does living in Utah, actually.

I'm still trying to lose weight, too. Last week I was pretty much out for the count because of my back. But I'm going back to the gym tonight and am going to try to run that 5k again.

Saying bye bye to exercise meant saying bye bye to eating well, too. I haven't been eating very great lately so that's gotta change. I'm still a few hundred calories under during the weekdays, but not enough. And on weekends I'm sometimes a hundred or so calories OVER or I break even. I know that losing weight starts with the mind first, the diet second, and exercise third. I've just got to keep trying, I guess. I gained a couple pounds the last time I weighed myself which was pretty discouraging. I'm hoping it was mostly water weight because I drank a ton of water that day. Bleh. I'm keeping track of my inches, too, in case I start to hit a plateau. Kait is a great motivator at the gym so I'm grateful for her.

Overall I'm feeling pretty upbeat even though I've had some setbacks. I just need to stay focused on my health this month even though things are crazy. We've had a hard couple of weeks with our car (over $1,200 in fixes this month!) and our house (we lost the first one and are having problems with the second one). That plus Matt being in school and working super hard and dark days means a crummy few weeks. Going to the gym makes me feel good, though, so I'll just keep doing that. Gotta stay positive!

In other (good) news...I sold three quilts and am in the middle of making 3 more. I learned how to sew minky so I might be going in that direction.

Bottom line: Had a few setbacks but I'm determined to crush it this week.

UPDATE: After writing this I went to the gym with Kait. I was determined to run 3 miles but I just couldn't do it. We did, however, do a crazy 20-minutes full body workout with my Sworkit Lite app that just destroyed us. It felt so good and I came home on a high! Exercise really is therapy, and for me it's literally medicine.

I also found out that I lost 4.5 lbs since I last weighed in!!!! Mind you, I gained 2 last week so I really just lost 2.5 overall in about a week. I have no idea how that happened. But still, I'll take any victory I can get.

Obsessions and the Cancel-Out Rule

I'm well aware by now that I get obsessed with things and then drop them like they're hot. It's who I am. I've come to accept it.

My biggest fear is that I will drop this exercise thing in a few weeks and reverse all my good progress...the running strength, the weight loss, the counting calories. (After all, it's happened a few times. Remember the weight roller coaster?)

Half consciously, half sub-consciously, I decided that I needed to tack on another obsession to my working out. I figured if I could toggle the two then maybe I'd trick myself into keeping at both of them? That's how it works, right? They cancel each other out? I'm in the middle of it right now, so I can't confidently say that it's working for sure. But it's week 6 and I'm still at it, so let's call this a success in progress.

I've started an Etsy shop. To sell baby quilts.

I fully realize the irony that my babymaker's broken and spending most of my free time sewing baby quilts. But for some reason it's really cathartic to make something that someone else's kid can use. If I can't be creative for my own baby, at least I get to be creative for some baby. And it makes me happy.

I'm slowly building up my products so the shop is kind of sad right now. If you have kids, I would love to hear what you would buy. I'm kind of winging this, and open to product suggestions.

Week 5 (Day 34) - HUNGER

Welp it's the day after Halloween, which means a sugar crash for suresies. I didn't really eat that much candy yesterday, but it felt like so much because I never eat it. We went over to my sister's house yesterday to pass out candy and watch Food Network like the Halloween grinches we are. I got so hopped up on sugar and freaked out that I was currently 1000 (ONE THOUSAND) calories over what I had burned that I started doing jumping jacks and running around the room in circles. I woke up this morning and my calories evened out so I only ate about 300 calories more than I burned, but it was still a crappy feeling. I felt fat and weird yesterday and went to bed early. Today is a new day, though. The bright side is that I saw our friends the Todds yesterday (who I haven't seen in person in forever) and Katie told me that she can tell a difference! That made me feel really good even though I was feeling bleh.

I have still been working out consistently, which is great considering I'm at the end of week 5 and all my obsessions usually peter out by now! I've had a few days where I just really have zero motivation to go to the gym, but Kait motivates me to go. Having a gym buddy is the best! I downloaded this personal trainer app and she does the exercises with me in the lady gym so we can look dumb together (not alone)! We're also going to do Jillian Michaels Yoga, which totally helped me lose the weight last time. It's a yoga video on steroids and it seriously makes you sweat and shake and burn calories like crazy. I threw the dvd away in exasperation when I got fat, but I found the video online.

Last weigh-in I only lost .2 lbs and it sucked, but at least it's .2 and not 0 or -5, right?

Still using my FitBit, which really helps me on the days I feel ravenously hungry. Yes, this week I have been so so so hungry it hurts. What is that all about? Sometimes I forget that my body is messed up and the insulin resistance that comes with my PCOS makes me different aka constantly hungry. I feel lame when I have to go get a snack at 10am and eat it in front of everyone (that's the way our office is built) because I'm so hungry my stomach kills and no one knows that I have PCOS. PCOS is definitely something that not a lot of people are aware of and it just looks like a fat girl's disease. There is an underlying reason we are fat, people! It's not an excuse, but it's a reason.

The FitBit gives me permission to eat so I'm not starving, and tells me how much I need to burn to counteract the calories. It's so personalized and SO helpful. Before I had no idea how much I was burning at all. Now I have a ballpark, and doing in vs. out math is so easy with it. If you're trying to lose weight, I have about 1,000 more reasons why you should get a FitBit. Seriously. It's AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG guys.

Well there's my all-over-the-place two week update. This blog has swiftly petered into a personal journal, but whatever. It's helping and that's all that matters.

Bottom Line from the past two weeks: Trying to stay motivated by doing different workouts. So so so hungry but still counting calories. I'm just keepin on.

Week 3 (Day 19) - Ultrasounds and Other Things

Day 19 (Friday) - I had two ultrasound appointments with my doctor this week to see if my medication is working. On Wednesday he found cysts in my ovaries (which is consistent with my PCOS, we just hadn't done an ultrasound yet to confirm it). Today I went for another follow-up ultrasound. He said the Clomid I'm taking that spurs ovulation is kind of working, but it's not making me ovulate. So we have to change the dosage of my medication next month, and he's going to add another medication called Formera. I don't really know what Formera does now, but I'm adding it to the Clomid and the Metformin. I'm gonna have to do some research.

It sucks to pay to go see a doctor and know that I'm not pregnant. It also sucks that I have to take time off of work to go see him. He has 50 patients a day and he's so busy that I can only see him for a few minutes. But it helps me feel more in control. I know what's wrong and my doctor and I are working to actively fix it. He seemed confident that I will get pregnant someday.

I also feel really in control because I have finally taken charge of my weight. Working out is hard and it takes a lot of time and humility, but at least I'm working towards a goal. I'm pretty confident that if I can even just 10-20 lbs my chances of getting pregnant will skyrocket, which is a good feeling. It's in my hands.

Most of all, I'm trying not to get too worked up about not being pregnant. I know it will happen when it happens, and I'm trying to enjoy this time. It's a growing experience. If anything, it's a time that I can be selfish and spend 1-2 hours at the gym 3-4x a week to get smoking hot! I don't know why we have fertility issues (and I may never know) but I feel good about the place we're in right now. We're buying a house, we really enjoy taking care of our two dogs, I'm learning how to quilt and embroider, I'm teaching art lessons, I'm losing weight, and Matt has a sweet new career-level job and he's finishing up his degree. There are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Week 3 Progress: Getting Lighter + A Bra Malfunction

Day 14 (Sunday) - We drove back from Idaho today. I ate McDonald's but I was still under my calorie count. I felt weird all day.

Day 15 (Monday) - I was excited to get back to routine and go to the gym today. For some reason, it's still hard to get myself to go even when I'm excited about it haha. Kait and I did treadmills + weights + stretching. I bought a new sports bra with a zip down the front (#bigboobieproblems) and it came all the way unzipped when I started running! I had to run  slowly walk to the bathroom to fix it. So I had to walk at the gym and then run later with the proper support. I ran Lola around the block. She loved it. I'm down another pound, making my weight loss at 3 pounds in 15 days. Woo!

I definitely ate Panda Express today, just in small portions. And I read somewhere that good gut flora is really important to lose weight, so I'm starting to eat yogurt even though I hate it. Matt says he can already tell a difference in the way I look, which is the best motivation. I want to look good for my husband!

Day 16 (Tuesday) - We had an AMAZING workout today! It was one of those ones where I wanted to go back to the treadmill and run another two miles.

Day 17 (Wednesday) - Worst workout ever. Isn't that funny? Right after the best workout ever. I had no motivation + zero energy. Tomorrow's gotta be a rest day. I feel like I'm spending all my time at the gym.

Day 18 (Thursday) - No gym today. Feels good to just come home and get stuff done. I got caught up on cleaning and posting our house's basement apartment online. Anyone know anyone who would be interested in a sweet apartment in December? Let me know!

We might try yoga tomorrow, since I used this Jillian Michaels yoga video to lose weight last time. You're not running, but man are you getting your sweat on. I dropped weight so fast with it. Now I just have to find it...maybe I threw it away in a cleaning binge, or one of our 4 moves in the last 2 years. Oops. thisiswhypeopleneverthrowanythingaway.

Week 2 Progress -- FitBit + Conference = Ashamed

Day 7 (Sunday) - I'm finding that weekends make it easier to snack snack snack. I'm still figuring out my FitBit. No working out today obviously. Still counting calories even if those calories include cheezits, chocolate and starbursts today!! Definitely going to have to take the dogs on a walk...a long one.

Day 8 (Monday) - I slept with my FitBit last night and have been wearing it all day. I was surprised to wake up and see that I passively burn a few hundred calories while sleeping. I'm still trying to figure my FitBit out, but I synced it to MyFitnessPal so that's cool. My sister-in-law Kait got a gym pass so she's gonna start coming with me 3x a week! It'll be fun to have a gym partner. Ate salad for lunch and felt pretty full. I'm hoping my stomach shrinks a lot soon so I won't feel so hungry. 

Victory of the day: I put on freshly washed pants and they felt loose!!

In other news, I will start my 4th(5th?) round of Clomid after a month break in a few days. Last month I didn't call the doctor in time, so I had to skip a cycle. Maybe it was good because I've heard that it's good to take a break every few months.

Day 9 (Tuesday) - I went to the gym with Kait yesterday. Just having a buddy there made the workout fly by. I ran more than I would have alone, too. We did some cardio then weights in the girl's gym. So looking forward to more workouts. I also lost about a pound ( so now overall I'm down almost 2 pounds...)

Even though I had a great workout yesterday I'm feeling very tired. It's supposed to be a rest day, but I have to make my rest day tomorrow. Trying to find the energy to go by looking at Pinspitsperation...

Day 10 (Wednesday) - Today is a poopy day. I got home and just felt grumpy. I was going to go to the gym but all I wanted to do was eat my feelings...so I did! It was actually quite cathartic to stop counting calories at 3pm and just know today was a waste day. I pouted, embroidered, and went to bed early.

Day 11 (Thursday) - I am SO hungry today! I haven't even eaten dinner yet and I'm almost up on my calories. I even went to the gym with Kait and ran a few miles. I guess some days I'll have to be okay with just burning as many calories as I eat, not eating 500 calories less (which is what I aim for every day). It didn't help that we had free Italian lunch at work today. I do feel good about my workout, though. I even ran with the dogs a bit when I got home. Going to help Maureen sew her quilt now. 

Days 12 and 13 (Friday and Saturday) - We drove up to Idaho to attend Frecker's wedding. I prepared myself to not hit my goal this weekend because of the road trip + eating out, but I only went ate 100 calories more than I burned on Saturday, which isn't bad. 

Week 1 Progress

Day 1 (Sunday) - I know today is Sunday but I was thinking about running ALL DAY today so I just had to. I am training for a 5K in mid-October, and I need to get in shape for that. The past two weeks I've been mostly doing the hill climb/fast walking on the treadmill and sometimes the elliptical, so my body's not really used to running. It's hard to run when you've got some ladies #ifyouknowwhatimean

I decided to do 3 miles, and run as much of that as I could, just to see how it felt. I ended up walking a good portion of it, but I did it! And it felt so good afterward. Matt was lifting weights when I got home so I did some of those, too.

Day 2 (Monday) - Again I was thinking about working out all day today. I have a desk job so it's really easy to stay sedentary after work but I just changed right when I got home. We had an appointment to go look at a house so I only got to run about a mile and a half before Matt called me home. Can I just say that running (at this stage) sucks and feels very unnatural? I can't wait for the day when it will feel normal to run 3 miles. Or a mile. Or half a mile straight. I feel like I'm running through molasses, which is actually a dream I have quite frequently. And my dreams are usually premonitions of something that will happen later. Is now later? Was I dreaming about myself sludging myself around the track at our park like an idiot? I think so.

I used MyFitnessPal today. It's really interesting to see how many calories different foods have. I have been eating way too much. Yay.

Day 3 (Tuesday) - Today was my rest day, which is good because I taught art and had a temple recommend interview. I wanted to go to the gym but had to remind myself that when I super-obsess about things, I tend to burn out and give up.

Day 4 (Wednesday) - We had a house showing today! We actually put an offer on the house, we liked it so much. We also had other stuff to do but I got to the gym late and ran/walked almost FIVE miles! I feel like I run so much more when I'm on the treadmill. Is that just me?

I weighed myself (even though I told myself I'd do it just once a week on Saturdays) and found out that I have lost 2.5 lbs since SATURDAY. And that's including eating pizza and nutella today for Treat Wednesday. I am becoming a true believer in MyFitnessPal, for sure. I've been feeling hungry because I'm eating a lot less calories but I just figure it's my fat crying.

Day 5 (Thursday) - We had a mission reunion today after work, but I got my butt right in my workout clothes right when I got home. I ended up at the gym for over an hour because I got sucked into watching Rehab Addict. That's the beauty of not having cable...half of my motivation to go to the gym stems from wanting to watch HGTV! I didn't run too far today but I am feeling myself getting a bit stronger. Still counting calories religiously.

Day 6 (Friday) - Fridays are hard food-wise because we usually go out to eat after work. I ended up getting more pizza for lunch but cut out the sausage and only at 3/4 of what I usually eat. We went out to dinner but I figured out a healthy option on MyFitnessPal before I ordered, so I'm still on track. Today's not technically a gym day but I'm considering going anyway since Matt is at the football game.

I've been researching fitness watches online and am considering getting a FitBit Flex. I found myself getting frustrated yesterday that I couldn't track calories while walking the dogs or running at the park. It's sleek enough to wear all the time, so I'll be able to get a more accurate read of how many calories I burn in a day. Since my job is very sedentary I'd like to have some sort of data about how much I burn at work. Does anyone have experience with the FitBit? I've also considered other trackers like the Garmin 15, but I would only be able to wear that while exercising.

Update: Just went to the gym. It was deserted. I gained back most of that 2.5 pounds so I'm guessing it was water weight? Dunno but at least I burned 400 calories.

Day 6 (Saturday) - it's conference weekend which means food and sitting all day! I was pretty proud that I only went about 200 calories over haha. I have been under most kd the week so I think it's OK. I bought a fitbit flex to track my calories burned during the day. Its fun! I'll post separately about that.

An Announcement + The Start of Weight-Loss Journey

In the months since I've written, I/we have:

- gotten a promotion!
- brought a second dog to our home
- started looking for a house to buy
- gone to Las Vegas, Lake Powell & Colorado
- watched SO many episodes of Mad Men
- taken the dogs on hikes (so fun!)

There. Now you're caught up.

This is not a fun post for me to write, but I need a place to record something big that has been happening lately. I'm finally ready to talk about it.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It's a very common fertility issue that causes cysts on your ovaries. People with PCOS have problems losing weight and a really easy time gaining it, insulin resistance, irregular periods, extra hair and often anxiety or depression. FUN!

Knowing this has helped me deal with our infertility. Before, I always wondered why my weight would fluctuate so much or why I wasn't having regular periods/getting pregnant. Now that I have an answer it feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Do you realize how emotionally draining it is to think you're pregnant every month, when in reality your body is just secretly messed up? I'm taking medication to treat the insulin resistance and the irregular periods. But the one thing that can really help us conceive is for me to lose weight (again).

It's really embarrassing to lose dozens of pounds only to put them on again plus more a few months later. In the past 8 years this has happened to me 3 or 4 times. Now I'm at the top of the roller coaster and I need to start losing weight again.

I'm going to use this blog to help track my progress and get motivation. Here's what I've been doing so far:

I've been going to the gym 3-5 times a week for the past few weeks and am going to sign up for the Cougar Run on October 18th. It's a 5K...anyone want to run it with me?? Please? Seriously...please?

The Hardins are also doing a 5K on the beach in California this Thanksgiving, so I'll need to train for that, too.

Matt and his friend did the 12-mile obstacle course called Tough Mudder a few weeks ago and that really motivated me to get in shape. Next year I want to be healthy enough to run it with them, not just watch.

And embarrassing as it is, I posted before pictures so I can have a sweet after picture in a few months! Any advice or encouragement you could give me would be awesome. The last time I lost about 30 pounds, it was because I was living with an amazing roommate who inspired me to work out often and eat healthy. I need help again and she lives on the other side of the country!

Thanks for reading this. It's time to take back the power! I'd also like to say that PCOS is a very common but largely undiagnosed health problem. If you know of anyone who has confided in you about fertility and weight issues, please pass the knowledge on. It made me feel 1,000 times better to get diagnosed.