Happy Birthday, Matthew!

These are the first two pictures ever taken of us together, at Jacob Lake, before we even started dating. Notice he said something to make me really mad in the first picture, and then I couldn't stay mad. That's basically how it goes, and he loves it. I think this day we had decided to both wear read and be fake prom dates on our day off together. 

I can't tell you my first impression of Matthew, because I don't really remember the first time I ever met him. We were working summer jobs at an inn on the Grand Canyon, and honestly, I was too busy doing my thing to notice him. What I can tell you is, once he had my attention, he kept it. And the rest is history.

In May, we will have know each other for five years. May is also our first wedding anniversary. Best five years of my life. Matt turns 22 today! In honor of his birthday, here's a list of 10 things that make him awesome:

- The neoprene fishing pants he wears as pajamas

- He wrote me letters once a week, every week, his entire mission. He also wore the ring I bought him in Italy every day of his mission, then turned it into his wedding ring when we got married.

- He sold his xbox (or something) to buy me a present once

- Whenever he doesn't want to do something around the house, he says, "Babe, that's my worst job" and gives me the saddest face. And then I do it for him. I can't argue with that face.

- He loves to plan adventures and take me with him

- He is great at bringing people together

- One time he hired his siblings to cook dinner and serve us in his candlelit living room all fancy-like

- He is passionate about a lot of things (fishing, music, his career, his family, cooking)

- He works really hard, then plays hard

- I am excited to live this life with him

In Mexico on our honeymoon, May 2012

In the Philippines on his mission, 2011

Fishing, 2012

He specifically said he doesn't want a big to-do for his birthday, but I'm pretty excited about the gift I got him. Come back tomorrow and I'll let you know what it is!

Do what you want. Be who you are.

I'm a firm believer in doing what I want. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. If you don't believe me, just ask my parents what I was like as a kid. Maybe some people call it stubborn? I've just always known what I wanted and how to ask for it. 

I remember when Matt was still on his mission, this girl came over to see to my roommate and I sat down to be polite and socialize with them for a bit. She asked about my missionary, then proceeded to tell me that it would never work out and that no one ever ends up marrying their missionaries and that I should just give up now. Ten minutes after meeting me. That conversation made me so mad and baffled that all I could do was politely excuse myself and go silently rage in my room. 

After an experience like that, you might expect a normal person to rethink their decision and maybe doubt their resolve. Somehow, criticism and doubt aimed at my choices only ends up making me want to follow through with 10x more enthusiasm. If someone tells me I can't do something, I just end up doing it anyway to show them it can be done. 

Maybe someone should tell me I can't lose 50 pounds and be a millionaire. Maybe it would work.

What I'm trying to say is, if you tell me not to do something, watch out, because it will give me the fiery passion of a thousand dragons' flames. And I will prove you wrong.

If you're prone to being a people pleaser (to your own detriment), I challenge you to start politely, yet unapologetically doing what you want. It's amazingly liberating.

BTW, I'm trying to take this theory even further with a new mantra, "Be who you are." I'm trying to stop feeling guilty for being an introvert/homebody/indoor cat. Because the world needs people who are true to themselves. 

My 2012 in Review

What's that? You want a re-cap of everything that happened to me this year? Okay!!

Check out highlights of this year after the jump...

Waiting

Today's lesson in Relief Society was about waiting on the Lord. We talked about having patience and faith in the Lord's timing while hoping so desperately for a specific thing to happen in our lives. The whole hour, I wanted so badly to raise my hand and comment about my most recent experience with waiting; to stand up tall and pontificate about the wonderfulness and the despair that comes with waiting. I wanted people to see that I had a trial that was very hard for me, and I feel like I learned to endure it with faith and grace. After all, my trial was literally to wait. In waiting for a missionary, I put on hold a temple marriage, children, and a more comfortable life (because he has yet to start college). I'm a pro at waiting! I was the perfect example of waiting! So why did the Spirit stop me from raising my hand and sharing my story?

I don't really know. But I have a guess.

Because my story of waiting, no matter hard it was for me, was not that hard.

Standing up and sharing my story of literally waiting for a missionary while others are quietly waiting for children to bless their homes, or enduring life after their spouse died, or surviving cancer, or waiting for a wayward child to return to the Gospel, seems trivial. I waited for my blessing for two years, but others wait lifetimes for theirs. 

Yes, I waited in a literal sense, and I used the Lord to get me through it. I had faith that I was doing the right thing, and I turned to God in times of doubt and weakness to lift me up. I waited on the Lord. But there are other, more significant ways to wait on Him. And supposing that my trial trumps all the other ones in the room is not fair. 

So I formulated what I would say if I were to stand up and give a speech, and then I listened to others tell their stories. 

I learned so much more by listening than by speaking.

How We Got Engaged

Matthew and I decided we wanted to get married in late 2008, a few months after we started dating (at Jacob Lake). I distinctly remember having this whirlwind fling up at JL and deciding I wanted to date him when we both went home after the summer ended. The night before he left JL to go back home to Provo, I walked to his dorm and took him to the hammock outside to talk. I was so worried that this was just a summer thing for him and that he wouldn't want to see me after JL was over! I asked if he wanted to keep dating, and he was shocked I even asked the question! Of course he did! That was the biggest transition of nerves to relief I think I've ever had :)

One night we went on a drive, which is still one of our favorite things to do. We like looking at houses together. They were good]chances to have nice talks alone. One night we were looking over the city and I had the feeling I was going to marry him. I think we had already said I Love You by this point. We all know I don't have a filter, so the second I thought it, I said it out loud. "Have you ever thought about getting married?" Again, another nerve-wracking question! Another yes! Another sigh of relief.

Two years later, Matt left on his mission to the Philippines. We both learned and grew so much apart, but I'm not going to lie...it was very hard. But this girl knows what she wants, and I wanted to marry him more than anything, so I stuck it out. The whole time, I just knew it was going to work out when he got back. That's the great thing about love. Love removes all fear. I had doubts of my decision in short bursts of weakness (Am I making the right decision? Will he want me when he gets back?), but I always knew deep down in my heart of hearts that when you find a man who treats you like a woman should be treated and is as great as Matt is, you marry him.

Matt got home from his mission on March 17, 2012. Once he was home, we were inseparable. We were together so much I felt bad for his family for taking him away.

This is me, a ball of nerves, waiting for the call saying, "I'm released!"

Our first picture together in two years! This is the picture that inspired me to get an iPhone haha.

I met him up at his family's house the first night, and we drove up to Sundance at 10 pm. I remember a lot of silence on that ride, even though we were both so excited to be together. We didn't even need words because all the words had been said in our weekly letters. We knew everything that had happened during our time apart, and how we both felt. Later he told me that was a quality he really admired in me, to be able to enjoy silence with another person like that. While we were stargazing, he told me that he had told his mission president about me, and the mission president told him to come home and marry me. The next night, he said again, "I need to marry you." Those words made be inexplicably happy! So we started planning our future, and got engaged on April 7, 2012.

Matt has always been really good at gestures of romanticism. He would write me love notes, or poems, or leave me small presents, bring flowers home randomly, cook me dinner, or take me on fun dates. In 2008, he started saying that he was going to take me on so many epic dates when he got home that I wouldn't even know what hit me when he proposed! He was right. I didn't see it coming.

We went on a date to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, where we had already decided to get married. 

I thought for sure it was going to happen this night. Nope.

My parents were in town, so we had dinner at Matt's family's house so they could meet each other. We looked at baby pictures and told stories and had a nice time. Then we went stargazing up the canyon. Matt stopped to get drinks at a gas station, and we were on our way. He parked somewhere and we hiked up a small hill that had a great view of the full moon on one side and the city on the other. Matt had a bean bag, blankets, and champagne glasses with sparkling cider. The moment I started to suspect this was "the night" was on the hike up. He started say really epic, romantic things. Usually we go on awesome dates like this one, but he doesn't say epic things that often. We even chose "our star", and that's when I realized something was up haha! He took out a paper towel folded up, and told me to open it and read what was inside. At JL he began courting me by leaving me anonymous love notes at work written on paper towels like this one. I read the letter, which was very thoughtful and sweet. At the end it said, "Will you marry me?" I looked at him and he said, "You have to get up for this part," because we were squished on a child-sized bean bag. I got up and he showed me the ring and got on one knee and asked, and I started bawling (see our wedding story), and obviously said YES!

Yeah boy! Right after we got engaged.

Can you tell that I love our rings? Haha. We got my ring at Wilson's (highly recommended) and I got his ring in Italy in 2009. He wore it every day of his mission.

Apparently he had a team down in the valley that was supposed to put up twinkle lights that said "Marry me" on the field, but they couldn't find an outlet haha. That's why he was stalling at the gas station earlier. Either way, it was perfect for us :)

I told Matt about how I hate when people get married and suddenly feel the need to blog about their daily happenings. But I get it now. Life is so much better with him around, and we always do fun things, and I want to record it so future generations can see how we lived our life together. I'm watching this show called "Who Do You Think You Are?" Celebrities + Family History = ADDICTION. It makes family history feel so much more important. But they keep finding the most basic of clues: names in censuses, maybe a picture if they're lucky. I want to be able to leave an entire blog behind so my kids, grandkids, great-grandkids and so forth and get a slice of what I was like. My inner thoughts, our activities, and how happy Matt has made me.

So get prepared to read a lot about the man who has made my life amazing.

WE DID IT!

The day I have been waiting FOUR years for is TOMORROW! Matthew is returning from his 2-year mission in the Philippines. We haven't seen each other since March 9, 2010. I have felt his absence immensely. This poem  by e.e. cummings basically sums us up:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I just carry him in my little heart wherever I go. I would never have planned to be 23 and waiting for a missionary, but God has better plans than I do. The past two years have been full of new experiences: student teaching, graduation, a full-time job, heartache, loneliness, adventures and spiritual/physical/emotional growth. I have rediscovered my love of reading. I encountered multiple boys that cemented my decision to marry Matt. I have gained and lost friends, for better and worse. I have gone on road trips, had meaningful conversations, served as my ward's Relief Sociey President, became a Wardie and then a hermit,  and learned that I need 8-9 hours of sleep to function as a normal human being. I learned more fully how to be happy within myself without a significant other. I learned how to write love letters, how to care better for others, how to care for myself. I have grown in empathy, charity and maturity. I joined a legit gym and established a healthier lifestyle. I commenced and halted the planning of a wedding after I realized I can't plan a 2-person life alone. When strangers doubted my decision, I learned to listen to myself and the Spirit to make a decision that was good for me, rather than listen to people who don't know anything about our relationship. I made and partially completed a bucket list. I started work at a museum as an outreach art teacher using my degree. I learned to be still. I strengthened my relationship with family members. Sometimes I cried, vented, whined, and felt sorry for myself....and then I moved on. I daydreamed about life after March 15, 2012. I made it through two holiday seasons single. I practiced finding the good in any situation. I have become more comfortable within myself. My heart has stretched in ways I never knew it could. I have missed him 738 days in a row. I have never regretted my decision. 

Two years without the person you love is pretty hard. But so is being single without an end in sight. So is being a military wife. So is actually going on a mission. So are a lot of things. In 2008, for batshit crazy unknown reasons, I prayed that God would lead me to the man I was supposed to marry, but not marry him yet. Two months later I met Matt and started down a very long road of waiting. It was difficult, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Matthew and I are now more prepared to start our married life together after growing separately for two years. Now it's time to grow together. I'm so happy this part of my life is over, and even more excited for the future. 

It's official: I have decided to stop dating other people. Matt is thrilled!

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't.