You're funny sometimes, you know that? Why would you stand in line for ten minutes at the post office for international stamps, only to be told by a know-it-all teller who looked at you like you were crazy that "you need to buy those in Italy, (you idiot!)" Why would you do that, you silly? You're smarter than that! Maybe all that blonde dye hasn't washed out of your hair from last summer. Yes...yes. Let's chock this up to a blonde moment, shall we?
Also self, I applaud you for looking extra fine today in your newly-found sunglasses (courtesy of the newly-cleaned closet) and your rainbows. Touche. Way to be a fox.
However...um that car. Gross. Did you throw up on it while doing donuts in an empty parking lot? I talked to your car and it says thank you thank you thank you for taking it to get detailed. You are once again a good car mom, and therefore a good person.
Good job for not getting any more eye infections. That was very nice of you. Please send my regards to your optometrist who gave you extra awesome tools to be healthy. Way to go.
Can you clean yourself please? I have better things to do.
A month? Seriously? How come we still don't have toilet paper?
Good job for buying your own secret stash of toilet paper. Also good job on being a prick.
Not to worry, you will get your pedicure soon.
Thank you for being extra comfy last night after an all-nighter the night before. 'Preciate that.
Stop getting lost.
Get ready for me to tear you UP!
Stop getting fat.
Thank you for being good to me.