Wednesday, September 23, 2015


The Calm app on my phone is so life-changing. I am so alone with my thoughts all day that I've become almost scared of old wounds that could arise, so I try to distract myself, stay busy, and have a checklist of tasks to get done. When Matt comes home from his real job, I find myself feeling the need to qualify my time with him. Not because of anything he expects of me, but because of what I expect from myself. It's good to be busy, but I think I need to step away from the mindset that busier equals happier. The app gives me a safe space to allow thoughts to come to me without judging them.

I also find myself wondering how to fill all this time I created in my life. I'm the one who wanted to go freelance so I could be less stressed. And now that I have this time I'm freaking out at all the possibilities. I want to have a perfect day every day. I guess I'm still so task and reward oriented that I can't step away from needing to feel productive (which is what working full-time achieved.)

I'm trying to shift my mindset to the things that really matter to me at the moment, which are self care, connection with God, and my relationships with people.

So instead of telling you what I did today, here are the important things that really happened.

I met an Italian woman named Alessandra and her huge St Bernard named Romeo while on a hike. I connected with her about her country and feeling homesick. I hope I see her again.

I met women in my ward at a stake quilting activity. Decided to spend some of this free time volunteering here. Took home some fabric to cut.

I meditated and sent out positive vibes into the universe, then realized that I am a perfectionist. Gotta work on that.

I read a conference talk in line at the post office instead of feeling annoyed.

I let myself not work today so I could spend time with Matt on his day off.

I ate a ****-ton of food today (ok, all week) but I'm making myself not judge it. I've had a hard week, and I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Seriously, what are days for? What is my purpose hereeeeeeee????????? I guess I'll spend my time figuring that out, too.

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