Monday, April 13, 2015

The Luckiest


I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about my blog's name, which is also the name of my Etsy shop. I originally chose The Luckiest because of that Ben Fold's song that so reminded me of Matt when we were dating, and when I started this blog. I felt like the luckiest girl to find a guy who got me and loved me, even if I never felt like the luckiest person before.

Flash forward a few years and it's still hard for me to feel lucky all the time, mostly because that's just who I am (working on it). But lately I have been feeling really lucky for a lot of things, namely how much I have learned by being married to Matt, how happy I am to finally be getting healthy, how motivated God has made me to do so, and how many truly good things I have in my life.

Yes, I have PCOS and I'm infertile and that sucks a whole lot. It really really really sucks. Especially when all your friends are having babies and you're happy for them but you also are just super jealous that they have what you want. But through this trial of having PCOS, being infertile, being overweight and having to change up what I thought my life would be at this age, I have learned a lot.

Because of my trials, I'm able to find joy - yes, joy - in exercise. It makes me feel strong and happy and beautiful. I learn so much about how much I can do every single day, and I'm re-evaluating the way I think about myself. I am tough and I am an athlete. I'm re-working the hormones in my body, flushing them out, and getting healthier from the inside out.

Because of PCOS, I have been able to get close to Matt's cousin who also has PCOS. I have been able to talk the nitty gritty details through with her and she totally gets it. Plus I've had good discussions with my family and a few friends about what PCOS means for me, and that has been very cathartic.

Because of my diagnosis, I understand why I am the way I am. I'm not just this sad or grumpy person. I have a medical condition that makes me moody, tired, hungry and sad a lot of the time. I thought my fundamental personness was broken, when in fact it's just my body that's broken. And that, in a strange way, is a relief. And I can fix it with diet and exercise and medication.

Because I'm overweight, I have a greater compassion for people who go through trials that weigh on them literally every minute of every day, because that's how I feel about being overweight. You think about it all the time. It affects every part of your life. But so do a lot of other trials, and I can empathize with people a lot more because of it.

I have learned to get up every time I fall. I've gained and lost this weight so many times in the last 8 years, and I'm still here, fighting. And that has shown me a lot about myself.

Because I've spoken out about my health problems, I have talked with a lot of people who tell me I've inspired them, and that makes me want to push even harder. They're inspiring me! I have connected with so many long-lost friends because of this, and I'm building my tribe. This can be an isolating road, and it's nice to connect with friends along the way.

Because I don't have children yet, I still have to work. I honestly wasn't planning on that, because you grow up in this LDS culture thinking you'll be married for a year and then start popping out babies. But because I haven't, I'm having to re-evaluate what I do with my days. And because of that, we're moving to Alaska so I can spend my days getting healthy, writing freelance (so excited!), working a part-time job that gets me on my feet, and learning how to cook. I'm grateful for the chance to take control of my days.

And because God is helping me get healthy, I feel closer to him. I'm so grateful for his help. This is a spiritual journey just as much as it's a physical one, and I look to Him for daily strength and discipline.

I'm not happy that I have PCOS, but I am happy for all the things I'm learning throughout this journey. And most of all, when I finally do get pregnant, I will be the most grateful person in the world for that little girl. (I'm like 100% positive it's going to be a girl. I don't know why).

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1 comment:

Rebecca and Cody said...

What a great post! It is so hard to find joy in a trial, but you are doing an amazing job.

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