Monday, December 22, 2008

I Am Not Who I Used To Be

Something that's been on my mind lately is how one finds a way to reconcile who they are now with who they used to be. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'll never get rid of some of my traits that I've worked so hard to leave in my past. The thing that triggers this feeling the most is coming home. Seeing my old room, the places I used to go growing up, bring back so many memories. The worst thing about my memory is that it's not very good: it brings up all the bad moments and pushes down all the good ones. Because of this, what I'm reminded of when I come home are the mistakes I made, what I didn't do, or could have or should have done, instead of the great memories I know I had but can't seem to recall. 

I'm so grateful for the experiences I've had in my life so far. They have allowed me to start to grow into the person I think I want to be. I feel as though I've become a lot more sensitive, more forgiving, slower to judge, and at least a little more outgoing. But everything falls down the tubes when I think of my past.

What I want to know is, is this a lonely problem I have, or does everyone else feel that way when they go home, too? Am I crazy alone, or is everyone crazy with me? And once you change the direction of your life and future, how do you go back home and not fall into the routine of being who you once were? It has been consuming me lately and I can't find the answer...

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2 comments:

Stephen said...

I'm not sure how you avoid falling back when you go home. But one thing that has helped me has been taking things from home that remind me of who I was and taking them with me wherever I live. These reminders of who I was help point out what I need to change as well as how much I've changed and that reminds me of the capacity each of us has to change in life. I'm not sure how much that makes sense to you (I'm typing this at 2:30 in the morning) but I hope it helps!

wistie said...

oh kellie, i'm glad you wrote about this. i find myself different from who i was two years ago. but, i like you now, if that helps. and also, you have some kid in provo who kinda likes you now... if you remember that, maybe you won't get so depressed.

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