Friday, October 23, 2015

The Glass

Every now and again I remember that I love writing on this blog. I like having a safe space to talk about my life and figure out my shit. I guess that's why I always come back to it when I have something to work out in my mind.

Today I need to process the mess that is the last 6 months of my life.

Ever since we set out to move to Alaska, it feels like life has kinda gone out of its way to throw us off course. We felt really good about moving there, and then Matt's lung collapsed. We felt really good about moving home to CA to recover and be with family, but it took a lot of money on our family members' parts to get us home. Being home was actually really nice for me, but I know Matt had a very hard time not working.

And then we decided to move to Washington, because Matt found a job that could move him towards someday running a high-end fishing lodge. I felt VERY unsure about it and cried and cried when he got the job. I wanted to stay home with my mommy and daddy and be taken care of and recover from the Alaska fiasco. But we went to the temple and I had this confirmation that we had people to help in Washington, so off we went. I specifically had this little vision of an old woman who needed my help. I'm still trying to figure that out.

So we moved here. And ever since, it seems like bad thing after bad thing has happened. Matt didn't get paid for a while so we literally had to scrape pennies together to pay the first month of rent. My freelance writing work became spotty, but our rent went up and hospital bills and our RV payment just kept coming. We are like dirt poor right now and now I just got laid off from my job. I don't know how we're going to pay rent or bills or get out of debt. It feels like a non-stop stream of wave after wave crashing down on us.

Not to mention, when we got here I went full freelance from home and became EXTREMELY lonely. I started having panic attacks and anxiety and depression and just this utter sense of hopelessness about why we're here.

So the glass feels very half-empty right now.

But then I remembered all the blessing that have come to us in the last 6 months. When Matt's lung collapsed, my parents stepped in and helped us get back home. My uncle dropped everything he was doing and flew to Alaska to drive me home. He is an adept mechanic and somehow got the RV home in one piece, though limping. Being home helped me grow closer to my parents and family. I got to drive up the coast of California with my mom, a dream that I've had for over a decade.

Now that we're here, I get to go on beautiful hikes weekly that make me appreciate the beauty of the earth and push my body. My anxiety and panic attacks have gone away. My faith has been strengthened as we always seem to get just enough money to make it another day. Matt has a top-secret lead on an amazing job opportunity at his company that could help him get his dream job within 3 years if he plays his cards right. He's already in line to get a promotion and a raise next month. He loves his job, and that's fun to watch.

Not having a car made me ask for a ride to get to sewing class, and I got to tell my fertility story to my bishop's wife who was very understanding. I needed to get it out. I got to serve by helping make quilts for sick people. Some family members helped us buy a second car, so I no longer feel stranded and alone when Matt goes to work. I got called to Young Women's (a calling I felt prompted would come) and it has helped me serve and feel more connected and less lonely. The girls and presidency members are so amazing and it's only been one week.

We got to go up to Samish Island to stay with Matt's sister's wife's parents and they are amazing and it feels nice to know people here.

Not to mention, the only other LDS couple living in our entire apartment complex is the only other couple in the ward that doesn't have kids just like us. And they're amazing and awesome and Matt likes the husband and I can tell we're going to be great friends. They were in Utah before and we have like...a crazy, eery, bizarre amount of things in common.

And the best thing of all, Matt's and my relationship has grown stronger than ever. I feel like we are more respectful to each other, bicker less, and are more unified and communicative about things. I tend to take out my frustrations in life on the people I love the most, but I am learning to deal with it in other ways, and my marriage is stronger because of it.

So when I look at it that way, the glass doesn't feel half empty anymore. The glass feels refillable.

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