Friday, September 17, 2010

Sometimes my mind forgets I'm in Provo and tells my mouth to blurt out socially-unacceptable things. Mostly cuss words. Or dirty jokes. Or other awesome things of that nature. And then I come back to consciousness and the blank stares of the people I'm talking to at the time and am harshly reminded that yes, I am indeed in Provo.

(Californians aren't meant to stay in Provo. But maybe that's what Provo needs. I have a love love hate relationship with this city.)

So should I bite my tongue and stop thinking such awe(some)ful things? Should I mold myself to fit into the place where I live and the people that surround me? I don't think that's fair. For a while I had friends who made me feel bad about being myself, when being who I was wasn't normal in this city or where they came from. I thought something was wrong with me until I washed my hands from them and started over again, bruised but determined to be the best version of myself: dirty mind, honest comments, testimony and all. I finally felt comfortable in my own skin and made (or kept) friends who appreciated no-apologies me.

Sometimes things I say startle people. Sometimes I'm too honest, too dirty, too big for this city. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I don't. Maybe it's all about the audience. I believe in bettering oneself, but not in changing something that isn't either bad or good, just different.

Does this even make sense? I am a big believer in stream-of-consciousness everything. I feel like it's the most truthful.

Long story short, I will say what's on my mind. I will filter when I deem appropriate. But I will not fix what isn't broken for anyone but me or God.
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2 comments:

Erin said...

I totally agree Kellie. I'm not an "outsider" though. I was born and raised in Utah so I think sometimes people expect even more from me which is lame. I LOVE saying what's on my mind even if it is dirty, harsh or ridiculous. I think people like you and I are what makes things fun and different. Stay you forever!! That's why I love ya :)

Katie and Ryan said...

"Californians aren't meant to stay in Provo." That's the truest statement ever spoken.

Try saying cock block. That one doesn't go over so well.

Really though, I think it's just Provo, because I say things like that all the time now and now one gawks. You should move a little more north! I think you'd be much happier, like me :)

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