Improvement

I'm feeling better today.

I feel the prayers of loved ones lifting me up. It's sunny outside, and Matt has another two days off after only two days of work. I went to yoga for the first time in maybe 5 years, and that really helped me calm down and set intentions for the day. I hope I can find a way to continue after my super cheap 5-class pass runs out.

We've made a habit of finding a new place to hike on days off. Today it was Lake Sawyer. The beauty of this place really astounds me, and I'm grateful that I get to explore it. We locked our keys in the trunk for 2 hours, so that wasn't super fun. But I think the yoga and the hiking helped me stay calm during the whole thing.

I'm working on a new product for my quilt shop. The shop seems like such a hodge podge right now, but I'm trying to use up my scraps before I start buying tons of new material. I couldn't resist buying some fabric today at the little fabric shop next to the yoga studio. Oops!

My sister told me about calm.com so I've been doing 10-minute meditation sessions on my phone every day. That seems to help keep the anxiousness at bay, at least a little bit.

I've just completed Returning to the Here and Now session of 7 Days of Calm. Join me on www.calm.com.

I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet, but I'll take a good day and run with it. Here's hoping for a good tomorrow, too.

Hope

I think it's safe to say that I am having a RUFF time right now. But I felt a lot of peace when we went to church this week.

It felt like many of the things said at church were tailored just for me (doesn't it always feel like that when you need it?). A sacrament speaker talked about their family's infertility, and how the temple brought peace and healing to their souls. And in sunday school, we learned about hope. How hope is our trust that good things will come our way in the future.

Even in the middle of this weird time, where things feel dark and I feel alone, I still feel hope. I know that my life will not be like this forever, or even for that long. I have faith that something great will come out of this experience. And I feel comfort knowing that Jesus suffered through everything and knows how to succor us. And God never lets me down. He always shows up. That is a fact.

Oh how comforting the Gospel of Jesus Christ is.

How Do Adults Make Friends?

I think part of my anxiety attacks stemmed from feeling so lonely here. How does a 27-year-old married Mormon girl with no children make friends? I can't go to a bar or a play group. All the people my age who also share my beliefs have literally 4-6 children here. It's not like I can't be friends with moms, but their priorities and time commitments are understandably different.

How did I make friends before? I guess after I got married I put making new friends at the very bottom of my priority list. It's been that way for a few years, and I guess I got along ok without new friendships in Utah.

But now that we've moved a bunch of times and I try to seek out a more meaningful life, my new ideals suddenly include having smart, fun ladies nearby who I can connect with in person.

I will admit that I'm a weird friend. I tend to only befriend people I truly think are AMAZING, but then I think I smother them and expect too much of them as friends, and then completely cut them out of my life if they don't act the same way or"do me wrong", whatever that means. It's a pattern I am constantly trying to break, as I see that it's unhealthy. It's one of my biggest regrets in life, and I wish I could go back and personally apologize to anyone I ever cut out of my life for any reason. So I could have one million friends right now all over the states, but it turns out I mostly just have ex-friends, and that is my bad.

I have connected with a lot of people on Facebook, people who reach out to me and are amazing and wonderful. Even though I never see these people in person, I truly appreciate their comments on my blog or messages on Facebook.

But I need real-life friends, too! Friends I can go hike with or take a yoga class with. How do people make friends in new places?

Attack of the Anxiety

This summer we set out to conquer new experiences, see new places, and live our dreams. We've been derailed more than a few times, leading us to amazing situations that have worked out for our good. In the midst of it all, I have become closer to God, more patient, more humble, more thankful, and more emotionally healthy. My relationship with Matt has become stronger as we team up to live the life we want. And I've truly come to realize that my relationship with people and God are two of the only things that matters in this existence.

In the midst of this revolutionary summer, I thought I was handling it all pretty well. Even my family and Matt told me so. Yes, I had a few emotional talks with my uncle on the drive home, and I cried a few times with the stress of it all in California. But mostly, I think I handled it OK.

But since we've been here in Washington, and my life has been stripped down to working full-time from home, I have too much time to myself. And I finally have a space to process the entire summer. The result of all this change (which brings with it enormous stress, loneliness, self-doubt, and financial burden) has not been something I expected. This week the weight of it all came crashing down on me, and I had two panic attacks within 24 hours. I may have had anxiety in my life before, but I've never had an attack. I have to say that these were two of the scariest experiences I've had in my life.

Suddenly you realize you can't breathe and your life seems so pointless. You wonder if you're doing anything right and your chest feels like it's in a vice grip. All the while you're crying because you have no idea why your body is doing this to you. The aftermath is almost just as bad, with worry it'll happen again and adrenaline coursing through your body.

My body has dealt with extreme stress in many ways before. Bouts of depression, weight gain, hives, anger, withdrawal from friends and family, and emotional eating. Maybe these new attacks happened because I no longer deal with stress in those unhealthy ways, by lashing out on other people. I don't know. All I know is that I feel very weak and emotional right now.

Matt has been great. My family has helped me the past few days. I've copied with this extreme bout of anxiety the best I know how with meditation, exercise, time in nature, prayer, sleep, supplements and  short-term anxiety medication.

One upside to this whole thing is that I finally feel like I understand what many of my family members struggle with on a daily basis. I've always kind of put myself on a pedestal thinking I could handle my anxiety without being diagnosed or going on medication. But now I realize that it's not weak to admit that your body needs medicine. And I apologize to anyone I've made feel inferior because they suffer with anxiety. It's something I don't wish on anyone, and anyone who deals with it has to be so so brave.

I don't think my day-to-day anxiety necessitates medication, but I know that I need it right now. Maybe for a week or two as I adjust to a new life and wade through this loneliness. But I'm grateful for the opportunity to connect with family over this hereditary issue that we never seem to talk about.

Anyone out there suffer with anxiety, whether diagnosed or miniscule?

A Confession

I have to admit something.

But before I admit it, I think it's important that I tell you why. We live in an online world where people tend to gloss over hardship or never mention it at all. There are university-level studies that examine how people present themselves on social media. STUDIES. People pay for that shit.

I spend a lot of time online because of my job, but also...because Facebook. And sometimes I just wish that more people would talk about their trials, because it helps us all connect. So in an effort to find more of this authentic human connection in the vast world of cyberspace, here goes.

Almost every time I hear that one of my good friends or family members is pregnant, I cry.

I'm not talking little tears. I'm talking big, giant, overpowering elephant tears. Or alligator tears...whatever. I'm talking space tears. (You know...as big as space.)

The tears come on suddenly and in private and they're uncontrollable. The embarrassing thing is that I've often written about being the infertile person you don't have to tip-toe around. I realize that babies happen and the entire population of Earth isn't going to stop getting pregnant because of me. And I also am really happy for all of my friends. I get it all logically. But emotionally, every once in a while...sometimes it's just too much to bear.

Two of my relatives had babies this week, and my friend (who, naively, I decided to start "trying" at the same time with) is pregnant with her second child. And it just reminds me that I could have two children in my arms by now. And my soul weeps for the body that can't make that happen. It weeps for the temporary death of a calling I've felt tugging at me my entire life. It finally weeps for the bottled up tears that never come every month I know for sure I'm not pregnant...for all the times I could cry but decide not to. And it weeps because one person just can't be so strong all the time.

When this happens, I don't try to suppress it. I feel my feelings. I let the sadness wash out, and I feel strong again. I think it's ok to cry sometimes. I think it's ok to admit that I'm jealous of mothers. And it's ok to show weakness. So here I am, showing my weakness.

EDIT: After I closed the computer and got ready for bed, I wondered if maybe I shared too much. And I kept thinking about the "I could have had two kids by now" mentality. I got a distinct impression that it's faulty for many reasons, but mostly because God's eternal existence doesn't deal with manmade time constructs. My kids will be mine eternally, so a few years of waiting is negligible in the grand scheme of things.

Still Fighting PCOS

OK my little pep talk to myself worked. I was kind of depressed because I was just sitting in the apartment most of the day working while Matt was at work. But I decided that I went freelance exactly so I would have extra time. I did it so I could not be so tired and overwhelmed from a long day at work. I did it so I could devote time to creating a healthy environment (clean house, home cooking) to thrive in. And I did it so I could WORK OUT.

So that's what I'm focusing on now. I have been exercising 5/7 days of the week to get back into the habit. But I decided not to go overboard, like I tend to do. So I make myself do exactly 30 minutes. That way, on the days I want to quit at 10 minutes, I keep going. And if I want to go 45 minutes, I stop myself. Because then I'll justify not working out the next day, which is bad.

Also I'd like to mention that September is PCOS Awareness Month. I've done a ton of research on this chronic illness, and I'm still learning so much about it via online forums and research. The biggest thing I have learned about PCOS lately is that it's the cause of all my health problems haha. Literally. The fatigue, the mood swings, the anxiety, the bouts of depression, the extreme hunger, the fat, the hair, and the messed up hormones are all because of PCOS. It's all connected.

But I've also learned that there are SO many ways to deal with it, which gives me hope. Exercise regulates your hormones and boosts your mood, while helping you lose weight and maintain hunger. Eating good foods gives you the nutrients to feel better and get healthy. Regulating sugar helps with the cravings and the crazy crazy hanger. Sewing gives me an outlet for my anxiety and lets me work out my thoughts. I no longer have to eat to do something with my hands...I can sew. The right supplements boost your nutrition and target problem areas. And the list goes on and on...

I have found so much hope in this process, even though it has been hard this month. My metformin prescription ran out and my doctor hasn't renewed it in a week, so this is the week of STARVATIONNN. No wonder I gained 70 lbs. I'm literaly 5x as hungry as I am when I'm taking metformin. Anyway, back to hope. There is hope! There is always hope! This is such an invisible illness, but there are forums and Facebook groups and sources of information so you can educate yourself. And they help you feel less alone. Because it is a lonely journey, for sure.

Please please please, if anyone you know opens up about the struggle to lose weight, or their unexplained infertility, please make sure they understand what PCOS is. Before I learned about it, I was so in the dark. Learning about my condition has really shed a lot of light on my life.

And if you know anyone with PCOS, the best advice I can give is to be an encourager. Offer to go to the gym with them. Bring them healthy food. Share health articles with them. Let them cry to you when someone has a baby or they get their period for the 3-dozenth time. And never tell them they're lucky they get to sleep in or that they can take your kids.

Thanks to all the people who have helped me this year. It really helps me feel less alone, and your continued support makes me happy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

On Setbacks and Slack

Well I've come full circle and my motivation is completely gone. When we moved home, I was working out with my mom 3x a week, but that literally was just to not gain 15 lbs. It's this funny habit I have whenever I stay home for any long period of time. I gain weight. It's just the way it is. 

I was fighting for my current weight, and I actually kinda lost because I gained 5 lbs while I was there. I gained 5 lbs even after working out 3x a week and walking the dogs a ton! Food, man. Why is it so easy to overeat 1,000 calories, but so hard to eat a deficit of 500? 

I was just about to write, "Food will always be my enemy", but I realized that's not true anymore. Food USED to be my enemy. It was that fair weather friend that made me feel good for a little bit, but horrible about myself later. But I have since changed my relationship with food. Now it's fuel. Now it gives me nutrients and energy and joy. But it is something that I will always struggle eating too much of. Always. And I've accepted that. 

For me, the key to not overeating is being busy. If I'm busy, I don't "boredom eat". But guess what? I'm here in Washington, we have one car, Matt's gone all day at work, I work from home, and I'm bored. We're in that weird transition period where we no almost literally no one here, and we have zero money because Matt wasn't working and we have hella hospital bills, and we just stay at home all day. So yeah, I'm gonna be bored. 

But I looked back at a post I wrote a few months ago when Past Me had the forethought to realize that Now Me would be a 0 on the motivation scale. Past Me knows Now Me so well, girl. And she said this:

"I will do it. I will lose the weight. I will get to my goal. I will finish strong. I will do everything I can
to make that happen. I will forgive myself for having setbacks because I'm human. I will follow Dolvett's mantra, Hard Work & Dedication. I will cut myself some slack. I will put the work in. I will rest when I need to. No matter what happens, I will get healthy. "

There it is. That's my motivation. I had my rest, but I'm working out on Monday! And I'm giving myself some slack, because this summer was adventurous and amazing and such a learning experience, but IT. WAS. HARD. 

A setback is not a defeat. A setback is a crossroads where you determine if you're going to become stronger or give up. And I choose to become stronger.

Who's with me? 

PS I've decided that hiking is my BFF.